SHOUTY CAPITALS

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT....
 Sorry about that I just wanted to get that out of the way, but hey it got your attention. Im tired. I am a new adult, is what i like to call it, because well I'm young and I now have resposibilitys im in college and i have to budget and all that stuff. Which I'm fine with I just find it tiring. I work all the time. I do school all the time and the short time i spend with my friends is limited and never as fun as we plan it out to be. We expect that we are going out and having fun but what we do is hang around and do nothing because non of us have gas or we all to tired. I am now just tired.
 I have found a love of books I see a movie, love it, and then read the book on it. I am addicted.  i consistently read. i try and finish a book so i can read the next one in the series. I have read the entire Fifty shades series and not im on the last book. The new one.... Grey.  E. L. James needs to write the rest of the series in Christen Grey perspective. ITS SO GOOD. I love it. It may sound a little but much but I'm going as Anastasia for Halloween. In the second book Fifty Shades Darker Christen takes her to his parents benefit ball for Coping Together, his parents charity to help families who have adopted children from bad homes cope along with the children, like Christen and his family. In the book Anastasia gets a silver dress with a silver and grey lace mask from christen and wheres that to the ball. I am toning that down just a little bit and wearing a silver lacy blouse with the silver and black lace mask and I have a long brown hair wig that I am wearing. I think its going to be very pretty, but I am trying to deside whether to where heals and skinny jeans or high tops and skinny jeans, I do have silver sparkle vans that I wore to prom, I think I'll wear those.

Anxiety and Depression

I was skimming through Facebook like I always do and I see an article on anxiety and depression. I decide not to click on it cause its probably just an article to raise awareness. And I know there's going to be some articles that say that and all the things that go with that the thing is, I scroll past it and see three more articles saying something about this. And I know that we need to raise awareness and I agree with all the articles on anxiety and depression. but the thing that gets me is I suffer from anxiety and depression and these articles that are supposed to make us feel like we are not alone just make us feel worse. As I read these articles about it I feel yes you know what I'm feeling and that's cool and all but the anxiety makes it so that when I see so many things about me or about things that involve me I feel more alone then I should. Honestly I feel like if you raise awareness more and more people will come forward and say "hey I have that" and some of them have no idea what an anxiety attack is. Some of them have no idea how it feels to be standing in a room full of your closest friends or relatives and feel nothing, empty, and like you don't belong. Honestly, and I may sound paranoid by saying this, I feel that the more aware people become the more there self actualized theory comes true.

These people that go on to WebMD to see what this red mark is on there arm and see that is might be sickle cell disease and then freak out and go to the doctor and he says It not and that its just a scratch. these people that go on to Facebook see these articles on anxiety and depression and read them and thing " Oh My God I'm depressed and I have anxiety about being depressed" and then go on to there social media and comment about having anxiety and depression. When in reality they have nothing there just paranoid and have nothing better to do then sit at there computer all day and complain about there life.

If they really did have anxiety then they would be to afraid to say anything for they feel of someone making fun of them or telling them that they complain to much.

People with anxiety and depression both together suffer from the strangest of feelings. We feel sad but at the same time we are afraid to cry for fear someone might see. we are frustrated but at the same time we don't want to do anything for fear someone would say we are over reacting. when we have anxiety attacks people try and play it off as if we do it all the time. I have seizers which are manifested anxiety attacks I have prolonged happening for fear some one would play it off as a freak episode. and even when I started having seizers I went to the hospital the doctor took one look at my file and saw the word anxiety and automatically thought I was faking or that I could control it. He stood by my bed side and watched me have a seizer and stood there looking at me, did nothing and just kept saying " you can stop now, you can stop now, " this happened over a year ago and to this day it still angers me.

So next time you, who is faking anxiety to get attention, complain about your anxiety level and how depressed you are. think of this I have suffered for 15 years with anxiety and 2 years with depression, no medication can help me and almost everyone thinks if faking. you don't know what it feels like to have the feeling if spiders crawling all over your body, your heart beat rising to the point you almost burst, so you crawl into the fetal position to prevent you self from exploding. and you sit there crying your eyes out for several minutes or until you regain what little hold you have on yourself. Next time you complain about your "Anxiety level" remember this. you don't know anxiety. We do, and most of us feel nothing anymore.

religan in its finest form

So I find myself questioning something. Even though I often question if god even exists to begin with but I do find myself questioning if he does exist I sometimes think that we could be seeing him everyday. We could have met him and we didn't even know it. I'm going to quote a famous song "what if god was one of us?" He could be a homeless person trying to see if people are generous enough to give him or her spare change. Or she could be a politician trying to see who will follow her on blind faith. Or even a pastor preaching her words of wisdom upon us. she could be anyone and we would be none the wiser. She could be anyone.

I watch super natural so I have a pretty screwed up view on religion. In supernatural the angel Castile becomes God at one point. But he doesn't change like being possessed does to a person. He simply knows that he has all gods powers. So this makes my wonder. Could god do that. Could she give up her powers to a mortal like in "Bruce all mighty" could God be a human. God could be living in a crappy apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan and be a bar tender the local bar. My question is how could a God look at our world that he so called " created" and see all the things that go on. All the wars over stupid imaginary lines and people getting killed everyday over the color of there skin or the people they choose to love. How could a God look at this world and not fix it with a wave of his have? If I had the ability to change the world and make everyone love each other and not fight I would.  What I don't understand is that people are hating other people and killing other people over a book that they say says that they should be killed or hated.

If you are hating someone or killing people based on your religion than you are doing it wrong.

I lived a day in someone elses shows and I tell you it was an eye opener. I lived 24 hours wearing a hijab. Being in a hijab taught me how to ignore what people think, but it also taught me to notice it. I live in a vey controversial area where we don't take kindly to outsiders, and me wearing a hijab raised some red flags. People looked at me strange and people would openly stare and look at me. I honestly looked like they were silently condemning me. I actually walked into a restaurant and a man blatantly looked at me and then did a double take to make sure he knew what he was seeing. I had many stares and some people walked into a restaurant I was in and took one look at me turned around and walk out saying under there breath "I'm not going to risk sitting in a restaurant with a Muslim." honestly the nerve of some people.

Although I may have chosen an inopportune time to do this social experiment. I did my experiment the day before and a little bit the day of 9/11. So I may have bad timing but the experiment held true.

There are fangirls everywhere

so I was taking a walk through the hospital and I pass a girl with pink hair and she complemented my shirt.

That got me thinking the only way for other members of our kind can know that we are here is by wearing the colors of out people. lol. but when we have to look like hobo geeks , or have pink hair, where black and watch Netflix all day. for guys to realize that we are truly geeks. What the actual fuck.

Im a real fan girl, I where superman underwear, I wear normal makeup but I don't where it all the time. you don't have to be  a compleat geek for me to be a fangirl. I don't have to be a pretty girl. what I have to be is me and if that means I watch Netflix and drink starubcks, but I also like to be a geek and go to cons and blog when I want to. I am a typical geek white girl.

UPDATE:

UPDATE: So my family is pretty good right now, I'm fine the only thing I really want to talk to you about is the who moments leading up to the death thing. I know I have gone over this before but this time its slightly different. I stopped being able to feel.
     The last time I wrote something like this I was sad and now I don't feel anything. If I am about to feel an emotion like sadness or anger my emotions shut off. I go numb. I can't express to you enough that I am dead inside and I don't know what I can do about it. Now that I can write something and not feel anything. This might be a bit boring or sad. I can't tell.
     The moments leading up to a death that is like a cancer or a major illness of some sort are the saddest moment of some peoples lives. And the scariest of the person who dying. Some have no idea that they are dying like people with dementia. There is a song about that its "I'm not gonna miss you" I can't remember who sang it (kind of Ironic) but it perfectly embodies what Dementia is and feels like. When you have no idea what's going on and you don't care because you have no idea that you have no idea. kind of funny when you think about it but also sad, because all the people around you feel so sad because they know your dying and you have no clue. Your brain is deteriorating and you just know that, the sky is pretty and there is people around you. you don't know who they are, you don't know where you know them from but you know that they care about you.  The Notebook is a perfect representation also. She has no idea who that story is about, all she knows is its beautiful and she recognizes it a little but them forgets everything at they end of the day.

     Now the people that know they are dying are scared shitless because they know the end is near and they sometimes try there hardest to stop it at all costs. And those who know and also know that they cant stop it get scared more and more each day until there time comes. My uncle just had a stroke and I know he wont admit it but he's scared. He's scared that the stoke may be the thing that kills him and most of all he's scared he will have to become fully dependent upon someone else.
Do you know what the greatest fear of most Americans is dependence. That's why most people think there afraid of death, they are afraid of the moments leading up to death.

my fantacy of people

     So today was my favorite guy coworkers last day with us at work, he quit to go away to school. and I have, for a while, had a I guess you could way crush of him. So I do this thing that is I imagine situations that are what I call realistic but hardly possible. which are situations that are completely out of the box but realistic in nature. And for him I would think of things he would say if he liked me as much as I like him. Well I knew that every time I spoke to him or said hello he would smile this little shy smile and I took that as he may just like me as a  friend or just a passing face. But in my fantasy's we were more then just passing faces, we were friends that talked more then when we saw each other in passing.
      When he left today, I started thinking of things he might do after he left like last goodbyes, last things he wanted to do before he left, or that he might do. I heard him over the radio saying goodbye to his carry out friends, so I waved at him as he walked to his car and yelled goodbye. Then I imagined he would get in his car and start to pull out than realize something then pull into the loading zone and run up to my door and I would look at him and say " forget something?" he would look me in the eyes and say " no I didn't forget anything I just need to do something." I ask him " what is so important it couldn't wait for tomorrow?" he leans in towards my face, looks deep in to my eyes and says " you." then continues to lean in and then proceeds to  kiss me.
      My fantasies usually end there. There is an other guy at my work that does this thing where when I am just standing doing my job he will look at my with " the look," you know the look. The look of utter adoration. The look that says that he is thinking " wow she is beautiful, she has to be mine." the only thing is, he won't do anything and I think that means that the look that he gives me doesn't mean anything. I was told that the man who gives you the look is someone who is worth being with. Someone who truly loves you. And the only thing is he hasn't done anything to make me think that he thinks that way about me besides every time I see him he is giving me that look. I don't know.

Just a kiss

I guess Im a hopeless romantic or maybe just a teenager but I am a girl. Im a girl that has only been kissed twice. By the same guy. And i would like to be kissed again by someone else at least. Is that to much to ask. I am fucking 18 years old about to turn 19 and i have only been kissed by one man. Is that good or bad. I dont know all i know is that i want ro be kissed. I want a kiss that makes you forget whats going on for tjat time frame. I want a guy to suprise me by turning my head grabbing my face and pulling my lips to his. I want a kiss to be like we get so lost in the kiss whem we realize we are kissing he pulls away for fear that if he keeps kissing me he won't be able to stop. That moment that you think no one is watching and you want to hold on to that moment forever. But you cant so you stop because if you don't stop them you never will. I want someone to look at me and be mesmorized my my mouth so much that they cant wait to kiss me agian.
I want a kiss that when you think about it you cant help but smile. I want that kind of kiss. No thinking about what happens next no risking it just to see what happens. I want it just to be a kiss. A kiss that lasts for a life time.

so I just now watched the season finale of Stitchers. mmmmm ooooooo that made me cry so hard. I don't think I could do that. noooooo. there is no cool.
 for those of you who havet seen it prepare for soooooo many spoilers.
First I would like to point out that the whole Camrons not in love with her crap, the thing he told the reporter in the interview about how Camron feels more protective of her then love. BULLSHIT!!!!!! The whole end of the show was to show what Camron thought about all the time and all the most powerful memories where of her. Like it or not creators Camron loves her and she knows one of the few emotions she feels is for him. and its looooooovvvvve. when cam died I died with him for 4 minutes I was in so much pain from the death that at the cliff hanger at the end I cried so hard.
the fact that the reason Kirsten has the disorder she has is because her father and her wanted to bring her mother back to life from a coma. wow. just wow.
is that what the stitchers program was originally designed to do. to bring people out of comas or frankenstin give life to an otherwise contiousless body. they want to bring the death back to life.
wow.

So im gonna rant right now. so yeah. I have been doing online schooling for a like 2 months now and the school originally told me that I could just take a test and test out of the courses that I had already taken. well that wasn't true I have to go through 9 months of school work in a 2 month time spand and to top that off I have to work. So today I went to log on and with the progress I had they failed me and I hadn't even finish the courses. yeah and I cant even start the next courses until September and the school said I would be done with this school in October. so lets do some math. I started these courses in May. they told me I would be don't In October. the courses had all ready started by the time I logged on for the first time. so I was already 3 months behind. and the fisr semester ended July 12th. they told me I would be done in 6 months. I cant even so anything cause It won't grade it if I do sense the first semester is over and the second semester wont start intill septemer. how am I supposed to do anything and finish high school if I can even access it and finish in a timely fashion or in the time frame they said I had. What the Fuck.

the is so stupid

Stitches part 3

Skipping forward to towards the most resent episode of Stitchers so this is going to be at the point where Kristen is accusing Cam of giving out government information, in his apartment,  at 3 o'clock in the morning. In Kirsten's point of view.
I am knocking on his door so hard I think the hole block may here it but I don't care because this is a matter of ergency. He opens the door looking disheveled and oddly wearing glasses.  That's kind if cute.  I start to tell him what I found on the disc and explaining to him why I believe he is part of the nit  group of people the had access to that information.  As he walks over to his bed room and starts to grab his phone and sits on his bed. He stares at me with a look in his eyes that i don't recognize. He just looks up at me through his adorable glasses and that look does nothing but makes me smile. He tilts his head as if in confusion and says "what are you smiling about?" I look at the ground and try to hide my blush. Can stands up so he's flush with me and grabsy chin with his index finger to bring my head up to look in to his eyes. He starts to talk "okay I know I didn't leak the code, I don't know who did, but what I do know is even at three in the morning you are perfect." Being this close to him I can smell his intoxicating scent. He smells of Amber wood, toothpaste,  and Granny Smith apples.  Mmmmmm his scent reminds me of a orchard I went to once when I was a kid.  Before I can catch it a tear is falling down my cheek. Camron catches it when is gallstone my chin With a puzzled look on his face.  He says "why are you crying?" I tear away from his gaze. He pulls my head back and says " hey why's ever it is you can talk to me. You know tell me  right? " I nod in response he says with that look in his eye "good now what is it? " I shake my head and say " I was just remembering something. " he wraps his arms around me and pulls me in to his chest. My arms are the only thing in-between us. I can feel that scare on his chest.  I run my hand over it as he looks at me. I want to ask him so bad what it is but I stop myself before I do something that might take away from the emotion I feel.  I recognize this emotion from a previous stitch. I think from the first stich maybe Just maybe. It's not hate, not sadness,  not overwhelming happiness but something different. I don't need him but I do want to stay in his arms for ever.  He brings his arms up towards my shoulder and encircles me even more. He says to me "remember no matter where we are.  No matter what you are doing. Remember I will always be there for you to protect you." those words resonate through my mind and make me feel warm and comforted. I lift my head up to see his eye underneath those dorky glasses. I pull them off of him.  And bring my lips up to meet his.  I get almost there when I stop as if asking for his permission. He takes that chance and enraptures my  mouth with every ounce of his being.  I return the emotion because only him. Only Camron can bring this emotion out of me. I still have no idea what this emotion is but I don't care. I deepen the kiss. His tongue makes its way around my mouth like it belongs there.  His hands fist in my hair and ever so lightly tug. It doesn't hurt but it was hard enough so that he is in complete control of my head. Oh my gosh.  What is this feeling? I pull my self away reluctantly and push off.   He looks at me shocked. "what the? " he says.  "I don't know  how to deal with this. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't know how to deal with all this emotion. I have never felt like this with out it coming from someone else." Cam walks up to me and says " well maybe this feeling is coming from someone else but the difference is that this feeling isn't machine generated." I node and agree. and then he continues with " so I can help you go through this feeling cause I have it to, the only thing is, I've never felt this way before either. So we are experianceing the same emotion at the same time. Soooooo." he smiles at me and that giddy smile gets me everytime and I just melt.

I realized something after coming out of my doctors office today.  He said I minimize things in my stress. And don't speak things out. Well that's true I make my self actually think that the things I'm dealing with are smaller than they are.  I feel like I'm just a pebble in the earth, that there are 3.6 zillion more people on the earth that have more problems that I do and mine are not important compared to there's.  And I feel like if I try and fix myself over the world then that would be selfish.  And that's why I have the problems I do.  Cause is express myself in anyway I would be told oh I'm just complaining and being a wimp when in reality I'm just letting all the stuff that I acumulated over time out on just spilled milk.  Like that fact that I thought someone I liked was gay.  That thought almost made me cry.  Now it's reasons like this is why I just say all of this ony blog because if I said anything like this on facebook or tumblr people would complain and have to give there two since worth.

dealing with death

So today I got off of work and I get into my moms car.  She starts  driving and we're talking about what to cook for dinner.  We're driving to Walmart and my mom says to me your grandpa's in the hospital. And I figured oh well he was supposed to be informed the hospital because he has a surgery coming up anyways. So they just brought him in early. We no. She continues to say that they found a mass on his brain. Well that is scary Because they don't know what it is or if it's life threatening or not.
          That got me thinking. Well I had heard once that death isn't the worsed part of the passing of a loved one.  It's the moments leading up to the death that's hard. And dealing with the fact that they are going to or have already passed. And this is true. At least in my experience. I have watched so many people try and keep loved ones alive and making there lives better when they are just trying to  cope with the inevitable fact that the loved one died or is dying. My uncle Was sleeping next to his wife when she had fallen out of bed and fractured her skull.  What he did is he called 911 and when he called everyone to tell then she was dying he told them she was already dead. Because he was keeping her on a ventalater  until he could tell her goodbye.
Even in her last moments of life he still considered her dead because it was easier to cope that way.  My mom is now coping with the fact that my grandpa may die soon.  And all though this is hard to say.  So am I. My grandpa is scared. I have never seen him cry Until fathers day this year when he told my mom he was going in for surgery. He has been diagnosed with P. A. D. and that means his blood clots up all the time and he has to have lots is surgery. But when my mom got that call from my grandma that my Grandpa had a mass on his brain She was about in tears. Having cancer can be hard to deal with. And to be the loved one that has to cope is hard but being to one who has cancer is even harder.  Now you have to live through all these pain and every thing that goes with cancer. Now the loved one that's copping now they have to prepare for lifting with of them.

I'm gonna ask a question. Would you rather know that someone is dying months ahead of time and have to wait for the day they die or would you rather them die suddenly?
Most people would choose the first one because then took can tell them all got want to say before. I think I would choose... Well I would choose the second one. Because instead of knowing someone's going to die and handing to deal with the suffering. I want to just deal with the aftermath. Because then I can cope.  Then I can dwell for sure couple months and move on.  Rather than having weeks, months, maybe even years worth of waiting and just siting being helpless.  Yeah I would rather that.
Well I'm done for today night

Stitchers fan-fiction Part 2: After the Bomb

Here's an other fan-fiction for Stitchers cause I couldn't just leave it there and it seemed to be popular for my stand point. So here's a continuation from the last one.


                     After leaving the science building at UC Sana monica, and after being stopped by the cop Mr. Tightass me and Camron got driven back to the lab by Maggie and her henchmen. We get in the car and I sit next to the window of the black Sedan in the back seat and Camron sits in the seat next to by the other window. We are sitting there waiting for the inevitable riot act from Maggie but she gets in and doesn't even look at us she just sits in the seat in front of me very tense. I'm sitting there I decide to look out the window case what else do you do in a car that is awkwardly silent, I look out the window and start to day dream. Actually day dream, and  I think  about how Camron wouldn't leave when I told him to leave. He was so scared and he wouldn't leave with out me... how interesting, what does that mean? that got me thinking about the elevator earlier and how he gave me an ounce of emotion so easily, and with just a kiss.

                      I wake out of my day dream when I feel someone grab my hand my first instinct was to pull away but when I see that Camron is the one who grabbed my hand I relax and look into his puppy do eyes. He looks at me and mouths the words "are you okay?" I nod yes and squeeze his hand briefly to reasher him that I am. He looks at me and  nodes back with a smile. we return to our looking out opposite windows and I do notice Maggie look back and see we are holding hands and than turns her head back with a smile.

                     

So for this post I'm going to try something that I haven't done before. I'm going to write some fan-fiction. This particular fan-fiction with be based off the brand new TV show Stitchers. If you have seen the first episode you automatically have a pairing of the lab geek Camron and the main character Kirsten. Kirsten has a condition called temporal dysplasia, where the person has no time perception and can't tell if they have being doing something for 1 hour or 1 minute. the TV show Stitchers is based where Kirsten has her consciousness inserted into a dead persons brain to experiance to events leading up to that persons death. Here goes

After getting out of Maggie's office I walked to the elevator to start my search for the blue door on Sepovita Bolivard. I get in the elevator, the doors start to close and than a hand pops up in the door and its Camron. Ugh, really she sent him to go after me. Well he better stay out of my way. He gets in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. I start to talk "If your here to stop me, than you wasted your energy, because I'm not budging." his reply is surprising "I'm not here to stop you, contrary to what Maggie thinks, im just here to make sure you don't die or injure your self enough that you can't participate in the program. That's all." I am happy with his response and I reply with " well thank you I guess." Now we are standing in the elevator in silence  I look at the screen on the side of the door and we still have a hundred and twenty-six more floors to go. Ugh. Camron broke the silence with " so you said that you may have experienced love in the stich. Is that what you were feeling when you kissed me after?" I am taken aback by his audacity.  I reply with " I don't know what I was feeling after the stich. All I knew was I was really affected." He says " well okay than, I'd like to do an experiment to see if you do in fact have feelings in that head of yours." that's intriguing, I don't know how he would do that. I have had some serious feelings in the past few days what on earth could he possibly try to recreate those feelings. I come back with " what could you possibly do to evoke feelings, from me." He looks at me with a quizzical look n his face and than says " simple we can try to recreate some of the events you encountered in the stich and attach them to feelings you have over feelings the bomber guy had." hum. that sound legitimate enough. I reply with " okay go for it."

Camron turns twords me so that we are face to face and raises his hand so it is resting on my cheek. He runs his hand through my hair, which evokes a strange feeling, a feeling of weightlessness, and it feels like there is a pain of some sort that is in my gut, but it doesn't hurt. He leans his head down so his lips meet mine. He's holding my head with his large hand fisting in my hair as he snakes his other hand to the small of my back. I grab his sholders to make sure that I can still stand up because this felling that I have. its like nothing I have ever felt before, well I think its the only emotion that I have actually felt. His tounge invades my mouth with so much power that its hard to keep up. Before I know it he has backed me up against the elevator wall holding me there with his hip. I am captured in his mouth. Him pushing against me with every part of him. But then all of the sudden he stopped. And we both are left panting. Now we are just standing there me still entrapped by him pressed against me. He looks at me in the eyes and says " did that make you feel anything?" I start to laugh even with my breathless tone " yeah. You could say I felt something." We both giggle as the doors of the elevator finally open. Camron grabs my hand and leads me out and says " so ill give you a choice, we can go look for blue doors on Sepovida, or we can finish that experiment, I know what I want to do the question is is what do you want to do." I look at him and I know the right answer for him and I know the right answer for the case. So I actually find myself contemplating the answer. I know my gut tells me to, well all of me is telling me to go with the "experiment" but I know what I should really do is finish the case, so I say "well I know what I want to do is finish the experiment. But we really have to finish the case." He looks at me with understanding eyes and says " so you did feel something. I can see by the fact that your smiling non-stop and the fact that you had to think about it. I guess we have to finish the case. Where do we start, Ace?"

So today I'm driving home from dinner with my family and we all talking and chatting and I look out the window because my parents are just looking at the sky because we can see rain in the distance, and they thought that was cool. So were sitting there looking im on the phone with my uncle and he's talking about movies he has seen and whats going on where he lives. I turn to look out the window and I see a cool figure in they cloud and I say, "oh cool guys, look at this cloud its so cool" now they are thinking its just the sunset so they say " yeah we know its cool you can see rain and the  clouds are cool your like a conversation behind." and I tell them "no guys look it looks like a soldier kneeling at tomb stone" and it did it had a helmet, a back pack, and everything and there was a tombstone shape also.

 now my family after a little while actually look at the cloud and see it. So to capture this once in a life time event we want to take a picture. so we pull over and attempt to take a picture. now it took my mom and I forever to get out cameras up to take it and by that time it had morphed and changed. but it had only changed the soldier enough to look like he was holding up a gun and defending the tombstone.

this I though was so heart wrenching that I just had to make a story on it. So here goes.

a soldier stands in battle side by side with his men. he eats with them, he sleeps next to them, he feels there pain, he fights with them. they all become the best of friends. they fight to defend there country from all evil. they are they force that keeps us safe. now on this day, on Memorial Day we remember those who have paid the ultimate price for our country. those who have died defending what is right. on this day Memorial Day, we remember those who have died for us.

Now most people don't know this but Memorial day was started by slaves during the civil war. What they did was they took there bodies of the Union soldiers that had died on the battle field and gave them graves with wooden crosses for tombstones. The government realized this and decided to create a day around these acts of kindness and they told these slaves " you know what you just did for these soldiers, you memorialized them." from then on we have celebrated Memorial day to give light to those acts of kindness.

Now on Memorial day we have picnics and cook outs and maybe just a family gathering. But what most people don't do on memorial day is go to a grave site. the only people who do that is people who have loved ones who have died in service. the only people who do that  are people who care about the fact that these soldiers have given the ultimate sacrifice for out country. now on this day we need to remember those who have died in service, because if we don't than who will.

to give you a story I will start with a boy. A boy and his father. this boy was like any other boy at his school. he played with the other kids, he eats like every other kid, he talks well and he has good grades. But the only difference was his dad was a soldier. Go to see his dad every once in a while when he was on leave but not as much as the other kids who talked to there dad daily. yeah its not  the dad he would have chosen but he got him and he loves him all the more. but sometimes when his daddy came home it wouldn't be like the last time. Sure he would get his welcome home party and everything like that but this time it was the 4th of July and there was fireworks and things like that. they little boy wanted to sit is his daddies lap and watch them with him and he did, but daddy Sat there only for a little bit. when the fireworks started he was fine but as they got louder and louder the blasts and flashes of light where more then just fire works to him they where gun shots and bombs going off. daddy ran off to hide from the fireworks. the little boy was sad that dad had left but he under stood that yes daddy left for a little bit but when daddy gets better he will come back. the little boy had gotten used to daddy running off and screaming. he knew daddy was not okay but he also knew that if he tried to help it would only make it worse. the little boy knows how daddy can be when he first gets back.
When daddy left again it was back to normal. but this time it wasn't just a few months till he saw his dad again its 3 years and the boy is not in middle school. when dad came back this time he was older and he knew what happened when dad ran off screaming and he knew what not to do to have that happen. he greeted his dad when he go home like any boy would if he hadn't seen his dad is over 3 years. And when they got home they had a meal already for him and everything. they knew no surprises, no fireworks, no loud noises, Because if they had any of those they would set off dad. but little did they know dad was easier to set off this time. He woke up in the middle of the night screaming and sweating from the night terrors. And jus something as little as a crashing dish could get his in defensive mode. now this time that they had with him were short and scary most of the time but it was time with dad. this boy looked up to his dad. he knew that one day he wanted to be him. now when dad went away this time they thought it was going to be the last time. but there goes 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 6 years, 10 years went past and they heard nothing. finally they get a nock on the door by a man in uniform. He says " your husbands been a prisoner of war for 5 years. we have sent in recue troops but they were unsuccessful, we have tried everything we can to bring him home. we are deeply sorry but he has be declared a Prisoner of War and can not be retrieved." the man is uniform explains that there is nothing they can do for him. but they will provide the with everything they will need for a service is they wanted one. and anything they need for college and things like that. the boy now being and adult and being fully in enraged by this news drives to the enrollment office and enlists in the army to find his father.
he goes through mission after mission. year after year. to find his father 2 years go by and nothing but finally he gets sent to the place where his father was imprisoned, on a rescue mission for on of his men. they successfully infiltrated the site and taken capture of the soldiers holding them there, and his men find all the soldiers that had been imprisoned there. he found a man who had told him that his father lasted for 12 years and said that his boy is coming for him. this soldier showed his to the place where they had placed the body. His body was berried by the soldiers that had had been imprisoned with they had put a rock there as a tomb stone with his name on it. the boy stood by this fathers grave fell to his knees and wept. If he had only gotten there a little earlier than maybe he could have saved his father. when the soldier looked up he saw something move behind a building. when it peeked out again he realized it was one of the prison guards pointing a gun at him. the boy rose his gun and rose on to one knee, pointed, aimed, and fired. He had killed this man defending his fathers grave. 
the boy returns home with his fathers body in a wooden box covered in an American flag.to finally lay to rest his father.

so today I'm going to write a letter to people. People who are customers at any store like Walmart or Menards or even Kroger's. To really anyone who goes to a store at all. Here goes...

People,
                  When you come in a store for anything and think its funny to piss on the people giving you service. You are an asshole. To the person who walks in to the store with a return and who we are being very nice with who is getting angry because we CAN'T do what you want us to because that would be ILLEGAL. To the person who thinks it is fucking hilarious when we get sent home crying because your wise ass decided to  fucking break 56 BLOCKS and yell at us for a discount and when we can't give you one you get angry.

                  To the person who comes in to a McDonalds and they just miss one thing and you come in wanting a refund for you entire meal that you got 3 weeks ago. and then gets angry because we cant give you a refund because you ordered it 3 WEEKS AGO. To the person who ordered some metal sheets and sent them back because they weren't in perfect condition because newsflash none of them are and there aren't going to be perfect any where else and after you put them on the ground your just going to cover them in much anyways. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!!

                  YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!!! AND THINKING YOU CAN GET FREE SHIT BECAUSE NEWSFLASH... WE WILL NOT DO IT... AND CAN NOT DO IT...  sometimes I feel like people just give me the shit that they accumulate throughout the day and they may feel better after they leave but we feel like we are getting pissed on by everyone and I tell you sometimes it actually makes us cry. And yes I know you may have to use the restroom or yes you may have to through something away but we are closed there is a restaurant right next door that is open 24 hours. GO THERE... I give you service but I don't serve you. remember I can over charge you and I can also spit on your food, and I can take forever to finish your order. so don't mess with the hand that feeds you.

                                                                                         thank you, the service industry

new writiing string

so I figured out something to do with my blog and I have decided to start a string of letters. Letters to various people. Like people at impacted my life in some ways or just some people in general. I'm going to start by writing a letter to God. Now I am by no means a religious person and this is in no way me trying to project my views onto the other people. Its just something got me thinking if god truly exists and if he walked up to a random person that life has wronged them in some sort of way and god walked up to them and asked them a question. like for instance if god walked up to lets say a cashier at a super market and asked them "if you could change one thing about anything what would it be?" ill tell you what brought this on.

I wasn't supposed to work today but I'm glad I did. I came into work to do some training for my job and they tell me to get on a register. So me being the lovely person that I am figured what harm could it do ill just be here for like an hour. I go on my register and I want to say maybe an 45 minutes in a old man comes up with some mulch and some other things. I scan his items through and I finish his transaction and he looks to me and eyes my name tag. He asks "so are there many people in your class with your name?" I say " well yeah there are maybe 3 or 4 in my class with the same name but not the same spelling" he nodded and continues on out the door as I tell him to have a nice day. Later he comes back in with his cart to put it away and he walks up to me and says "you know you are a very smart girl. Really and very nice. I got a question for you" I say " okay what cha got for me" he replies with a question "So if you could fix anything and make it perfect what would it be?" I think about it for a second and reply with " poverty." he nodded and said " I can tell you are a forward thinker anything else you want to fix?" I said " Yes. social injustice." now he starts saying "you know we pray for all the world in gods prayer and so..." than he starts spewing out the lords prayer and I start to toon out because at this point in my head I'm saying oh god its one of those Jesus freaks here to tell me God can fix everything. I started to look at an other guest to show to him I have to work so he ended with lords prayer and said " and god be with you" and I replied with "and also with you" with the good pastors daughter I am, and than continued with another guest. but this got me thinking what if god were one of us.

what if god was someone you could just talk to just like you and me. this got me thinking about if god what going to ask one random person if they could fix anything who would he choose? Would he choose a billionaire with all the money in the world? Would he choose a homeless person with out a penny to his name? Would he choose a teenager with a baby that she can afford? would he choose a orphan adopted by gays? Or would he choose a cancer patient? Or a christen? Or would he choose an atheist?

If god chose to talk too you what would you say... would you know it was him? Would you think he was a crazy guy talking to you? I don't know but if god was just a stranger walking around and he asked random people what they would fix about the world and than he fixed it. what would happen.

I thought about that today when that old guy started talking to me. What if that old guy that was talking to me was God... and he just asked me to fix something in the world... first if that was really "God" than my views on religion are all wrong, and second of all if that was god he asked me to fix something about the world. If it was will he fix it? will he change the world to eradicate poverty and get rid of social injustice? if so that would be cool so now I'm going to try something. I'm going to write a letter to god. and to other people just to the world knows what I think about people.

Right now being a Pastors daughter my views on god are a little weird. I believe that if god truly existed why would he let all this hate be in this world. I like to say I don't believe in a deity. That I don't believe in one thing controlling the actions of the many. I think in my head most of the time that the bible is just an old book that some one read and people actually believed it was real. I read a story once on tublr about how the world is one person and one person is the world. By this I mean that the world is made up of reincarnations of one person and that everyone was once that person. and that once the world is done that being that all of us is or was becomes one almighty. and the great god that we believe in we will become.

that I thought was a neat interpretation of god. and to bring every religion in to it making it so that not one religion was right or wrong. but to make it so that all religions were one in the same and that every single person that ever was, is, or will be are all the same person. so those people that you just made fun of for being gay or for being something society thinks is wrong. is you. you are making fun of you.

just stupid writeing

I refused to get out of bed today until I absolutely had to so naturally my sister slams open my door and at one yelling "get up its one o'clock in that after noon"  and I just had to get up cause if I didn't she would have hit me with a pillow or water. Yeah. She's nuts. Well my hole family is nuts so yeah. but hey I'm nuts.

since I got up I decided to cook.I have now made the avocado pasta recipe from the YouTube channel Whatsupmoms  it sucked. I am not to good at cooking and to top it all of I have cravings because im on my period. so that just sucks cause I hurt and I am moody and I cry like all the time and I try to cool and I sucks when Im on my period.

so dear future husband,
 I am so sorry for my periods. I am gonna cook horribly during my periods so hopefully you can cook. so just for you information I can cook but just like one week a month I suck. sorry ahead of time and if you are anything like "that guy" than I should kick you to the curb cause you probably. so yeah I should write a letter to "that guy". so just so you know future husband I hope you know what your getting into cause I am seriously messed up. so you better be just as messed up as I am cause I don't want a one sided realationship of weirdness.

Okay so today I went to work and that was okay. I work at the local connivance/hardware store and I work as a cashier in the garden center. So today wasn't bad it was just stressful when I got in the car to go home. My dad starts complaining about how my mom brings all her angers at work home with her and shit like that. sometimes my parents act more like a couple of teenagers than my friend and I act like. Its pretty bad when they are complaining about them complaining about each other. They act like such idiots sometimes. Its really stupid. I thought I had problems when I had to deal with difficult guest at work when the real problems lie behind my front door. my parents fight at least once a month. even more if they hang out more than 4 days with each other. My dads a firefighter and my mom works with the developmentally disabled. So my parents don't see each other more than 3 days at a time. Which works out pretty well because we they talk on the phone and stuff but if they stay in a room together for like an hour one gets mad at the other and either the other attacks back or they let it go.  And for the most part they have a pretty healthy relationship but it gets tiresome at times.

So I'm stressing out over this fucking graduation party I have to plan. I have to paint some frames I have to buy all the table cloths all the decorations the venue the invitations everything. I thought it would be easier. but I am like freaking out right now the printers at my house suck and I haven't sent out the invites and I still have to print off pictures and hang them in a frame and than I have to go and get cups and more ribbon and more shit that I can't afford but I'm doing it so no one knows that I am not graduating. and I am so over stressed because of this party and of every thing that I feel like I am going to explode from the inside out. 

How many invites can there be there are so many and I thought I was being conservative with just 40 but gezzz. that's a lot of postage. ugh I'm so don't I going to have an anxiety attack or a seizer one or the other they feel similar. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
 why me. why did I volunteer to plan my own party why did I even ask for a party to began with. ugh im just done sighing off.... night

shit i deal with, with guys

            Okay so I'm going to start out this update with some background on me and my life. I live in middle-of-nowhere Ohio and there is probably a grand total of 3 guys in this town that have noticed me let alone even taken an interest in me. One I have know for I want to say my hole life, at least it feels that way, but I have probably known him for about 15 years. An other just moved here from I think Germany and has barley spoken two words to me since but he has spoken to me granted he was chewing me out over something I didn't say. OK so for my high schools homecoming and my senior year homecoming our theme was Star Wars. yeah that's awesome and all that but they didn't allow light sabers at school or the dance and it was frowned upon if you cosplayed for the dance so that sucks, but back to the point, the senior float idea was doing a X fighter and I thought that was going to be silly. Why do just a regular X fighter when you could do the Millennium Falcon. So and I said " why AREN'T we doing the Millennium Falcon?" and he replied with " we aren't doing the Millennium Falcon. that's an X Fighter get it right."

            Yeah so that was not only stupid but one of the only times he has ever spoken to me. The last guy, ohhhhhhh the last guy. I could rant about that asshole for days. Okay so what happened was my friends and I were going on a camping trip. No big deal just 2 guys and 4 girls, nothing big. I had particularly taken a shine to one of my guy friends. He had a girl friend so I figured he's taken and I guess Ill get someone else. Anyways were one this camping trip and were hanging out having fun occasionally screaming at one of my friend but over all we were having fun. The couple that came they were in there tent fooling around so the 3 of us because one of the girls flacked, the 3 of us wanted to occupy out time so we started playing cards cause what else do you do during camping but play cards and cook. So were playing I think go fish but I can't quite remember. We were playing something and I was having fun playing keep away from the other girl friend. And this guy decides to turn up the stakes and grabs the card from my hand. And I was shocked but we were still having fun.

             Yeah, so I figured I bet I could get to the point where he wont grab it so I licked one of the cards and held it between my lips. Yeah . And he grabbed it with his mouth. Now at this point I'm like holy crap he's making a move. So I continue with this game just to see what would happen. I start putting the cards in my bra which is conveniently sticking out of my shirt just a little bit and he comes at me and licks me on my chest then gets the card. than says " you keep thinking I won't do it but I will and I will take it one step farther every time" and he kept his promise. I continue to play the game and sure enough if he didn't lick all around my chest one more time. I look down at him adjusting his "impressive length" and he's getting just about as aroused as I am. Now he has an Idea "lets take this inside the tent its getting hot out here and lets play something different."

              So we get in the tent and he suggests we play poker. And guess what I have zero knowledge of how to play poker and we have no chips. He suggest we play strip poker. And me being stupid agrees and guess what I'm the first to start stripping. My shirt was the only thing coming off. Than this guy says this " so I'm going to do something crazy but you have to be open to it. Are you open minded." I say yes and than he comes at me in one big swoop and he kisses me. passionately and wow. He snakes his tongue in and out through my teeth and hold my head with one hand so I can't escape. But before I knew it, it was over. He sits back and looks at me and says " are you okay with that" I say um yes I am totally okay with that. It gave my a little bit of a head rush but yeah I'm okay with that. We start to play poker again and the other friends that were fooling around in the other tent were done and making noise so I got out. And that didn't stop there we realized we had to eat so we started to get hot dogs out but I realized we don't have any wood left so I decided we needed to go on a wood run.

                Yeah so that guy was the only one with a car and he wont let any one else drive it. and I had the money. So we have to go together. Little did I know I was getting a little bit more than just cut up trees. So we get down there he gets the wood while I am paying for it and than we both go out side while he puts the wood in the back I get in the passenger seat.  Than when he's done he gets in the drivers seat  turns on the car but doesn't drive off. He goes and turns so me and says "so how did you like what you got earlier" I figured out what he was dong right away and I so want it so I play along I say " it was good. even though I don't have much experience in that field." he says "well would you like some" I say " yes" all hot and bothered and in an instant his lip are inter locking mine and he had taking my hair in to his hands and I am lost in his kiss. He starts kissing down my neck and I moan loudly, I can feel his smile on my chest as he continues to kiss and suck my neck and down to my breast. He released my breast from my bra and sucks hard on my left nipple, and the feeling resonates down to my groin. I moan again feeling in his every touch. He pulls away leaving my panting and wanting. He starts to unzip his pants and release his growing erection. He says " you wanna feel this."

            I stare at it in awe as I node yes. I lean towards his length and take him in to my mouth hard  and fast he's surprised and happy. Move up and down and up and down and I decided I wanted to test how far I could go so I went deeper and deeper until there was nowhere else to go. At this point I have all of him in my mouth and when I come up for breath he  takes my head and put my mouth to his and than says " lets move to the back seat" he lets me move back as he follows and when we are seated he takes my mouth again, capturing it in his mouth, moving his tongue in and out around and back. As he lays me down on to the seat he unhooks my bra and frees my breasts. And than takes my shorts off along with his shorts. And he takes his shirt off and mine. we are naked in front of each other and sweating. Climbs on top of me and than slowly enters me. Slowly in and out. in and out, I feel him and his full length inside me. I feel full and fantastic. He picks up his pace faster and faster. I started to feel and quickening inside and the faster he goes the quicker it gets until this build up is so much that I come around him as he comes inside me. The explosion of passion that has happened has left both of use tired and breathless. and I am done...

            After that  encounter we get back to the camp site and we make up a story of the fact oh we got lost and  its hot. than for the rest of the trip he continues to ignore me and act like that didn't even happen. Well fuck that. We get back from this trip and he doesn't even acknowledge me at all until I accused him of having crabs which I might add was not true. That was something my friend told me to keep me away from him. Hmmmmm yeah didn't work very well. but than he massaged me like oh I don't know 6 or 7 months later saying oh I want you so bad please I want to fuck you so hard. WELL FUCK YOU. Um no and than not even  week later my friend tells me has been engaged to his girl friend for 4 months. really. yeah so i have grown to hate that man. and than he hits on my friend while she's on a bad trip and than fucking calls me and says he's horny and lonely come love me.

           So that's that I'm don't ranting about how one guy ruined me for all
men.

Sometimes I feel like when I talk to my sister about not graduating she feel is like she's not the problem child anymore she's got some one else she can complaining about and she has to make everything about her. I don’t get it. When I tell her I feel like a failure she says " oh at least your not me" she feels like since she's the middle child she needs to be the middle of attention. And when someone else just asks for an ounce of that attention she has to make it about her. I hate that about her. She has to be the center of all and  dare I say it she's almost exactly like my money grabbing aunt, Marge. She stole all may grandparents after they dyed and most of that money was my siblings and I's collage money. So yeah I called her a money stealing bitch . Its not like I have any hard feelings or anything. Yeah so I really just want to vent to my family and they just make I tall about them. I don’t get it. I mean I don’t feel like they don’t care. But I know they do care. Really they do. I just don’t feel it. I guess since I have grown up they feel I should be able to suck it up and move on but I can't

		So I know I had to right this down so here goes. I  suffer from a disorder where I have non epileptic seizers that are caused by stress . And this caused me to miss a lot of school and classes and some work and I also missed out on hanging with friends and going to parties. This was all in the course of my senior year I might add. Now I have to deal with the fact that I have four doctors and only two will communicate with me because the other two think they are done because they gave me an official diagnosis. So there's part of it the other part is the fact of I cant graduate with my senior class I can't even walk with them. According to the state I can not walk or graduate because I haven't finished all my credits even thought a medical problem prevented me from finishing my credits now I was told this months ago and I thought I dealt with it but apparently not. Because I feel like crying every time I think about it. Now to make matters worse is everyone else is having a graduation party and  sending out announcements so just to make it so nobody knows I'm not graduating   I am throwing one also.                   Now planning it isn't that hard sending out invites isn’t that hard the hard part is the fact that I have to pretend for a day that I'm graduating with everyone. I have to deal with all the "congratulations" and the " I’m so proud of you" and the gifts and the money and everything I never planned on the emotional stand point. I have to lie to all my relatives and to all the people at school and say yes I have my diploma and yes I will be going to college in the fall and yes I will be the star child that you all expected me to be.  Because in my family my brother has cerebral palsy so he took the stay until your twenty-one and walk now thing and my sister didn’t pass English so she did graduate on time either. I'm going to quote something my mom said one night when she was really mad at the school  " if she doesn’t graduate were going to be three for three now aren’t we" that statement hurt it made me feel like I have let everyone down that I was going to be the third problem child and the fact that I was my parents last hope to have a perfect child and the fact that I let them down just hurts. And there is nothing I can do to fix it I am a sitting duck that’s getting rained on and getting yelled at and thrown into a lions den with a bunch of annoying teenagers.  Its very hard to have the disability that you look normal and act normal and most of the time your normal but when you have a seizer people start to ask questions.                  I am depressed. Not to the clinical stand point but to the point where I feel ashamed to be happy. I feel I don’t deserve to be happy. And when I get happy on the small times that I am happy I my mind finds reasons to kick me down and keep me there. Sometime when I'm in the shower I find my self unconsciously thinking of the fact of I'm not graduating or the fact of my friends don’t hang out with me. Things that will eventually make me cry. Sometimes I cry so hard I fall into the fetal  position and just full on sob. And on the rare occasion that there is someone there that will I will run so someone and huge them and just sit in there arms and cry. They ask me why but I can’t talk if I do I just cry right then, I have to hug them and sit in there arms and calm down just a little bit or just enough to explain why I'm crying than I continue to cry in there arms. And this may sound really selfish but in that moment of just me and my thoughts and expressing them out loud that’s all I want it to be me talking and them listening. Because sometimes I need to get things out.