So I know I had to right this down so here goes. I  suffer from a disorder where I have non epileptic seizers that are caused by stress . And this caused me to miss a lot of school and classes and some work and I also missed out on hanging with friends and going to parties. This was all in the course of my senior year I might add. Now I have to deal with the fact that I have four doctors and only two will communicate with me because the other two think they are done because they gave me an official diagnosis. So there's part of it the other part is the fact of I cant graduate with my senior class I can't even walk with them. According to the state I can not walk or graduate because I haven't finished all my credits even thought a medical problem prevented me from finishing my credits now I was told this months ago and I thought I dealt with it but apparently not. Because I feel like crying every time I think about it. Now to make matters worse is everyone else is having a graduation party and  sending out announcements so just to make it so nobody knows I'm not graduating   I am throwing one also.                   Now planning it isn't that hard sending out invites isn’t that hard the hard part is the fact that I have to pretend for a day that I'm graduating with everyone. I have to deal with all the "congratulations" and the " I’m so proud of you" and the gifts and the money and everything I never planned on the emotional stand point. I have to lie to all my relatives and to all the people at school and say yes I have my diploma and yes I will be going to college in the fall and yes I will be the star child that you all expected me to be.  Because in my family my brother has cerebral palsy so he took the stay until your twenty-one and walk now thing and my sister didn’t pass English so she did graduate on time either. I'm going to quote something my mom said one night when she was really mad at the school  " if she doesn’t graduate were going to be three for three now aren’t we" that statement hurt it made me feel like I have let everyone down that I was going to be the third problem child and the fact that I was my parents last hope to have a perfect child and the fact that I let them down just hurts. And there is nothing I can do to fix it I am a sitting duck that’s getting rained on and getting yelled at and thrown into a lions den with a bunch of annoying teenagers.  Its very hard to have the disability that you look normal and act normal and most of the time your normal but when you have a seizer people start to ask questions.                  I am depressed. Not to the clinical stand point but to the point where I feel ashamed to be happy. I feel I don’t deserve to be happy. And when I get happy on the small times that I am happy I my mind finds reasons to kick me down and keep me there. Sometime when I'm in the shower I find my self unconsciously thinking of the fact of I'm not graduating or the fact of my friends don’t hang out with me. Things that will eventually make me cry. Sometimes I cry so hard I fall into the fetal  position and just full on sob. And on the rare occasion that there is someone there that will I will run so someone and huge them and just sit in there arms and cry. They ask me why but I can’t talk if I do I just cry right then, I have to hug them and sit in there arms and calm down just a little bit or just enough to explain why I'm crying than I continue to cry in there arms. And this may sound really selfish but in that moment of just me and my thoughts and expressing them out loud that’s all I want it to be me talking and them listening. Because sometimes I need to get things out.