Stop it. Stop faking. Stop it. Stop it. Your faking. Your faking. Your not having a seizure. Your over reacting you just having an anxiety attack. Just stop it. Your over reacting. Just stop get over it. Just stop.
This runs through my head at least 20 to 30 times a day. This brings tears to my eyes. Every time I have a seizure in public I am told this. Unless there is a person there saying I have a condition. ThaT I have PNES. But when I explain that it's not in my head and it's real. They look at me like I'm crazy. I have been told that there's nothing wrong with me through its all in my head. That I'm crazy. It hurts. It really hurts. Even if it wasn't a seizure even if it wasn't cause by anxiety it still hurts to be told your faking. Anxiety is a real illness. Never... Ever... Tell a person who is have and anxiety attack/ seizure to stop. Get over it. Walk it off. Your fine. Because we're not fine. We are dying inside. We can't just get over it.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Star Wars fan fiction continued
The doors opened, in front of Ben General Hux stood. Looking sightly winded and frightened, Ben stood up straight trying to look as professional as possible.
Ben
I haven't gotten anything out of her. But I did find out she has the force strong with in her. Stronger then she knows. I'm intend to train her and then she will willingly give us Skywalkers location..
General Hux
We don't have time for you to train her. We need the location before the resistance gets it. For all we know they could have it already.
Ben
I found out they only have the part of the map that the droid has. We have the rest. I am going to train her. Teach her the power of the dark side. Show her all the power and then she will gladly show us to Skywalker. Let me train her.
General Hux
Fine but do what you can fast. So that we can get the most out of her the fastest. Okay?
Ben nods his head in agreement and General Hux and his band of storm troopers turns around and heads back to deck. As soon as they are out of sight Ben breaths out a sigh of relief. Then he reopens the cell doors to see Ray in the restraints with staring at him with a quizzical expression on her face. Ben walks forward and releases her restraints and takes her hand.
Ben
Here come with me...
Ray
Where are we going?
She says excitedly, with a slight tinge of fear of not knowing what is going to happen.
Ben
I'm going to train you how to use the force that is inside you. I'm going to train you to the dark side before they teach you the light.
Ray takes her had back slowly. Then looks up at him with weary eyes and takes a small step back. Ben, afraid he is going to loose her before he even gets her, grabs her arm softly, just enough to stop her from running but not enough to hurt her. Seeing the disgusted look on her face struck fear in his heart.
Ben
What?
Ray
What makes you so sure I have the force, let alone want to go to the dark side?
Ben
I felt it. When you were inside my head. You were using the force. That force pulled us together, the force is what brought you to me. The dark side calls to you Ray. Can' t you feel it?
Ray relaxed a little bit, but was still uneasy about the dark side. Ray looked down because she knew there was something. She didn't know if it was the dark side or if it was something different. All she knew was the was something pulling her to Ben. Ben took her silence as an invitation, so he took her hand and guided her out of the cell and down the corridor to a room with a bed and then turned to Ray and proceeded to speak.
Ben
If I am to teach you these would be your living accommodations. You would have complete freedom but you would have storm troopers on guard around the clock. Just to keep you safe.
Ray
I think I can take care of myself.
Ben
Yeah I've seen how you hand your self but I think I'll still put storm troopers around you for the sake of my nerves.
Ray
Awww i didn't think of you as such a softy.
Ray says as a shy little smile crosses across her lips.
Ben
I.. I'm not... I just want to assure your safety.
Ray
Okay....
Ray knowing thats just a cover up for him showing good emotions. Looking around the room notices there is a window with a large view of space. She walks over to the window and looks out at the stars. Ben standing behind her is looking at her as she looks out at space.
Ben
Hmmm... She truly is so beautiful. She knows that I am attracted to her, and that is unnerving. I felt violated when she was inside my head but also relived that she knew what I thought about her. Relieved that she could see what i was thinking so that I didn't have to hide it from her. But I still don't know what she thinks about me. I mean I have an idea from what happened earlier... the ... kiss... so much passion its hard to deny that she felt what I did.
Ray turns around to meet his gaze. Ben feeling confident, walks over to Ray grabs her face with both his hands and raises her face to his and recaptures the kiss that had been broken all to soon earlier. Soon the kiss got even deeper. Ray pulled away slightly just enough so she could speak.
Ray
What are we doing?
Ben
I have no idea but I don't care all I know is I want you and that's enough for me.
Ben pushed his face forward recapturing the kiss. He had no idea what he was doing cause he had never felt like this before, neither did Ray. All they could feel was a sharp feeling welling up in there chests. It wasn't painful but it was strong and they both felt it. Passion. Lust. Love. It was all they could do to not explode from the inside. The cloth on Rays shoulder had started to fall, when Ben unbuckled her belt the rest of the fabric fell to the floor. Letting the under shirt loose, Ben lifted the shirt to reveal her gorgeously toned body. He steps back to admire the view and she pounces. Snapping his belt off but impressively not breaking it. Ben took the long tunic like shirt off but still having the under shirt and pants on took those off as well. Ben now standing in front of Ray naked felt exposed and a bit nervous. neither one of them had seen anyone else naked ever in there lives. This was a first for both. Both lost souls finding another soul that fits perfectly together. The heat in the room had felt like it had just risen 20 degrees. Both panting, neither one moving because neither one knew what to do next. Ben had read about it in books but never really knew what it felt like. So Ben being the one with at least a little bit of knowledge step forward breaking the space between them. Took Ray into his arms and carried her to bed that was in the far corner of the room. He laid her down on the bed, Ray felt safe in knowing that he knew what he was doing, she looked up at Ben's face and as they gaze into each others eyes Ben inserts himself inside her and she screams, not knowing what to do with this alien feeling inside her.
Ben
DID I HURT YOU?
Ray
No, keep going.
Knowing she was okay Ben started to move, back and fourth, back and fourth, his erection growing with every move. Ray getting wetter and wetter with him inside her. Ben bent over and put his arms on either side of Rays body, so that he was equal to her and so he could see the effect he was having on her. Ben slowly pulling out of her and then slammed all of his large erection inside her. Ben kissed her tasting every scream every moan. As Ben increased his speed Ray started to tighten around him. Ben also had a feeling welling up inside that felt like soon was going to explode. Ben increased his speed again this time slamming in to her with every stroke. That faster he went the tighter she got around his hard throbbing cock, and the tighter she got the more confident Ben got. Rays back started to arch and she was almost there and than slam. Ben slammed into her one last time, as he poured him self into her she was climaxing around him they moans louder than any thing Ben had every heard. he felt like someone would be able to hear her but he didn't care. They had just came together. Rays moans died down and had fallen into just whimpers and Ben collapsed on top of her, they both closed there eyes and had fallen asleep.
Ben
I haven't gotten anything out of her. But I did find out she has the force strong with in her. Stronger then she knows. I'm intend to train her and then she will willingly give us Skywalkers location..
General Hux
We don't have time for you to train her. We need the location before the resistance gets it. For all we know they could have it already.
Ben
I found out they only have the part of the map that the droid has. We have the rest. I am going to train her. Teach her the power of the dark side. Show her all the power and then she will gladly show us to Skywalker. Let me train her.
General Hux
Fine but do what you can fast. So that we can get the most out of her the fastest. Okay?
Ben nods his head in agreement and General Hux and his band of storm troopers turns around and heads back to deck. As soon as they are out of sight Ben breaths out a sigh of relief. Then he reopens the cell doors to see Ray in the restraints with staring at him with a quizzical expression on her face. Ben walks forward and releases her restraints and takes her hand.
Ben
Here come with me...
Ray
Where are we going?
She says excitedly, with a slight tinge of fear of not knowing what is going to happen.
Ben
I'm going to train you how to use the force that is inside you. I'm going to train you to the dark side before they teach you the light.
Ray takes her had back slowly. Then looks up at him with weary eyes and takes a small step back. Ben, afraid he is going to loose her before he even gets her, grabs her arm softly, just enough to stop her from running but not enough to hurt her. Seeing the disgusted look on her face struck fear in his heart.
Ben
What?
Ray
What makes you so sure I have the force, let alone want to go to the dark side?
Ben
I felt it. When you were inside my head. You were using the force. That force pulled us together, the force is what brought you to me. The dark side calls to you Ray. Can' t you feel it?
Ray relaxed a little bit, but was still uneasy about the dark side. Ray looked down because she knew there was something. She didn't know if it was the dark side or if it was something different. All she knew was the was something pulling her to Ben. Ben took her silence as an invitation, so he took her hand and guided her out of the cell and down the corridor to a room with a bed and then turned to Ray and proceeded to speak.
Ben
If I am to teach you these would be your living accommodations. You would have complete freedom but you would have storm troopers on guard around the clock. Just to keep you safe.
Ray
I think I can take care of myself.
Ben
Yeah I've seen how you hand your self but I think I'll still put storm troopers around you for the sake of my nerves.
Ray
Awww i didn't think of you as such a softy.
Ray says as a shy little smile crosses across her lips.
Ben
I.. I'm not... I just want to assure your safety.
Ray
Okay....
Ray knowing thats just a cover up for him showing good emotions. Looking around the room notices there is a window with a large view of space. She walks over to the window and looks out at the stars. Ben standing behind her is looking at her as she looks out at space.
Ben
Hmmm... She truly is so beautiful. She knows that I am attracted to her, and that is unnerving. I felt violated when she was inside my head but also relived that she knew what I thought about her. Relieved that she could see what i was thinking so that I didn't have to hide it from her. But I still don't know what she thinks about me. I mean I have an idea from what happened earlier... the ... kiss... so much passion its hard to deny that she felt what I did.
Ray turns around to meet his gaze. Ben feeling confident, walks over to Ray grabs her face with both his hands and raises her face to his and recaptures the kiss that had been broken all to soon earlier. Soon the kiss got even deeper. Ray pulled away slightly just enough so she could speak.
Ray
What are we doing?
Ben
I have no idea but I don't care all I know is I want you and that's enough for me.
Ben pushed his face forward recapturing the kiss. He had no idea what he was doing cause he had never felt like this before, neither did Ray. All they could feel was a sharp feeling welling up in there chests. It wasn't painful but it was strong and they both felt it. Passion. Lust. Love. It was all they could do to not explode from the inside. The cloth on Rays shoulder had started to fall, when Ben unbuckled her belt the rest of the fabric fell to the floor. Letting the under shirt loose, Ben lifted the shirt to reveal her gorgeously toned body. He steps back to admire the view and she pounces. Snapping his belt off but impressively not breaking it. Ben took the long tunic like shirt off but still having the under shirt and pants on took those off as well. Ben now standing in front of Ray naked felt exposed and a bit nervous. neither one of them had seen anyone else naked ever in there lives. This was a first for both. Both lost souls finding another soul that fits perfectly together. The heat in the room had felt like it had just risen 20 degrees. Both panting, neither one moving because neither one knew what to do next. Ben had read about it in books but never really knew what it felt like. So Ben being the one with at least a little bit of knowledge step forward breaking the space between them. Took Ray into his arms and carried her to bed that was in the far corner of the room. He laid her down on the bed, Ray felt safe in knowing that he knew what he was doing, she looked up at Ben's face and as they gaze into each others eyes Ben inserts himself inside her and she screams, not knowing what to do with this alien feeling inside her.
Ben
DID I HURT YOU?
Ray
No, keep going.
Knowing she was okay Ben started to move, back and fourth, back and fourth, his erection growing with every move. Ray getting wetter and wetter with him inside her. Ben bent over and put his arms on either side of Rays body, so that he was equal to her and so he could see the effect he was having on her. Ben slowly pulling out of her and then slammed all of his large erection inside her. Ben kissed her tasting every scream every moan. As Ben increased his speed Ray started to tighten around him. Ben also had a feeling welling up inside that felt like soon was going to explode. Ben increased his speed again this time slamming in to her with every stroke. That faster he went the tighter she got around his hard throbbing cock, and the tighter she got the more confident Ben got. Rays back started to arch and she was almost there and than slam. Ben slammed into her one last time, as he poured him self into her she was climaxing around him they moans louder than any thing Ben had every heard. he felt like someone would be able to hear her but he didn't care. They had just came together. Rays moans died down and had fallen into just whimpers and Ben collapsed on top of her, they both closed there eyes and had fallen asleep.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Star Wars Fan fiction
Star Wars...
The Force Awakens fan fiction
Pre-warning: if you haven't seen the movie all ready there are spoilers in this story. And if you don't know all ready this is just my story about the relationship between Kylo-Ren or Ben as he will be referred to as in this and Ray. This is not an actual thing in the movie I just came up with this in my head.. it will veer off of the path of the movie and go to my story so this will not be the movie... This is a fanfic.
Ben
I have heard so much about this mysterious girl. She can fly a freighter and she can disable many of my guards. I want to meet her. She sound amazing.... How can I meet her. She is with the resistance and wants me dead. Maybe I can persuade her to the dark. Then maybe I could talk to her. But I must first find her.
A second commander came in to inform Ben that the droid and the two fugitives were spotted at a watering hole with Han Solo. Ben told him to head there and he will find the droid and the two fugitives there.
When they get to the watering hole Ben send all the troopers out to find the droid and the fugitives and bring them to the ship. A storm trooper finds Rey and BB8 and inform Ben of there location. Ben finds Rey.
Ben
I found her. I found this mysterious girl every one has told me so much about. I must see what she knows.
Ben uses the force to see inside her head and figures out that she had seen the map. and figures is doesn't need the BB unit if he has her. So he knocks her out with the force and carries her to the ship. were he puts her in restraints and deliverers her back to his ship. There he will interrogate her and find out what she knows.
He gets her into a holding sell in the restraints on her hands and her feet. Still knocked out Ben sits and waits for her to wake up.
Ben
She is so beautiful. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I don't want to wake her she so peaceful when she is sleeping and not trying to kill me. As I kneel here I can see a piece of hair that has fallen from here top bun and is touching her face just enough that is looks like it was intentional. Her full lips are parted just enough so that I can see a little bit of her perfect teeth. I love the way her lips slightly move in her sleep just as though she is talking to someone. Her skin is perfect. flawless and it makes be wonder if the rest of here is like that.
Rey eyes flutter open and she momentarily is disoriented and confused on where she is. She looks down at a creature staring at her in a black suit with a mask with scars all over it like they had been to hell and back.
Ray
Where am I?
Ben
Your my guest. You mean the murders, traiders and theives. youll be realived to here i have no idea.You still wanna kill me.
Ray
That happens when your being hunted by a creature in a mask.
Ben takes his helmet off and sees that she is even more radiant when he can see all of her at once without the helmet on.
Ray
Wow. He is surprisingly cute. I have never seen anyone quite as attractive as him before. What? Why am i feeling this.
Ben
Tell about the droid.
Ray
He's a BB unit with a thermohyper drive and a hyposkam idicador.
Ben
Its carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest but we need the last piece and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You.. A scavenger... You know I can take what ever i want.
Ben uses the force and gets inside her head.
Ben
Why so lonely, so afraid to leave. At night desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean. I see it, I see the Island. And Han Solo, you feel like hes the father you never had. He would've disappointed you.
Ray
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Ben
I know you've seen the map. Its in there and you'll give it to me.
Ben ventures deeper inside her mind to find the map.
Ben
Don't be afraid i feel it to.
Ray
Im not giving you anything.
Ben
We'll see.
Ben pushes even farther into her mind and sees nothing. He keeps pushing and pushing but then starts to be pushed back out, Rey push him out of he head and straight into his. She can feel his pain, his fear.
Ray
You... Your afraid... That you won't be as strong as darth vader.
Ray could feel all his feelings. She could see his thoughts. She could feel something strong. something over whelming, to the point that Ben broke the connection. Rey didn't know what she had just done. She didn't know what she was feeling. She felt a strong pull. a strong pull to him.
Ben felt violated. He was the one to always get inside someones head not the other way around. She has the force. He felt the force strong inside her. He felt he could teach her the ways of the force. He knew he could keep her here against her will, but it would be easier for her to stay here of her own accord. Ben felt attracted to Rey. He could feel her attraction to him as well. Ben tries to get back inside of her head again. He brings up his hand and pulls his face close to hers, at first she resists. Ben:
Don't resist. I'm not going to hurt you i just want to show you something
He shows her his thoughts and how he imagines her, powerful, standing next to him, with armys behind them. Her being the queen and Ben as the king and the leader of the order. Rey then pulls her face away slightly.
Ray
Now i want to show you something.
Ray turns her face to his and throws an image of Him and her Standing on an island, together, hand in hand. Than shows him images of them sitting in a window looking up at that stars off of a green planet. And then shows him an image of them kissing.
Ben then pushed his face towards hers unknowingly then with in a second they are thrown out of those images and Ben looks deep into Reys eyes. touches her face and caresses her cheek. She leans her face into his caress he pulls her face to his. As there lips touch they are lost.
Ben
I have heard so much about this mysterious girl. She can fly a freighter and she can disable many of my guards. I want to meet her. She sound amazing.... How can I meet her. She is with the resistance and wants me dead. Maybe I can persuade her to the dark. Then maybe I could talk to her. But I must first find her.
A second commander came in to inform Ben that the droid and the two fugitives were spotted at a watering hole with Han Solo. Ben told him to head there and he will find the droid and the two fugitives there.
When they get to the watering hole Ben send all the troopers out to find the droid and the fugitives and bring them to the ship. A storm trooper finds Rey and BB8 and inform Ben of there location. Ben finds Rey.
Ben
I found her. I found this mysterious girl every one has told me so much about. I must see what she knows.
Ben uses the force to see inside her head and figures out that she had seen the map. and figures is doesn't need the BB unit if he has her. So he knocks her out with the force and carries her to the ship. were he puts her in restraints and deliverers her back to his ship. There he will interrogate her and find out what she knows.
He gets her into a holding sell in the restraints on her hands and her feet. Still knocked out Ben sits and waits for her to wake up.
Ben
She is so beautiful. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I don't want to wake her she so peaceful when she is sleeping and not trying to kill me. As I kneel here I can see a piece of hair that has fallen from here top bun and is touching her face just enough that is looks like it was intentional. Her full lips are parted just enough so that I can see a little bit of her perfect teeth. I love the way her lips slightly move in her sleep just as though she is talking to someone. Her skin is perfect. flawless and it makes be wonder if the rest of here is like that.
Rey eyes flutter open and she momentarily is disoriented and confused on where she is. She looks down at a creature staring at her in a black suit with a mask with scars all over it like they had been to hell and back.
Ray
Where am I?
Ben
Your my guest. You mean the murders, traiders and theives. youll be realived to here i have no idea.You still wanna kill me.
Ray
That happens when your being hunted by a creature in a mask.
Ben takes his helmet off and sees that she is even more radiant when he can see all of her at once without the helmet on.
Ray
Wow. He is surprisingly cute. I have never seen anyone quite as attractive as him before. What? Why am i feeling this.
Ben
Tell about the droid.
Ray
He's a BB unit with a thermohyper drive and a hyposkam idicador.
Ben
Its carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest but we need the last piece and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You.. A scavenger... You know I can take what ever i want.
Ben uses the force and gets inside her head.
Ben
Why so lonely, so afraid to leave. At night desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean. I see it, I see the Island. And Han Solo, you feel like hes the father you never had. He would've disappointed you.
Ray
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Ben
I know you've seen the map. Its in there and you'll give it to me.
Ben ventures deeper inside her mind to find the map.
Ben
Don't be afraid i feel it to.
Ray
Im not giving you anything.
Ben
We'll see.
Ben pushes even farther into her mind and sees nothing. He keeps pushing and pushing but then starts to be pushed back out, Rey push him out of he head and straight into his. She can feel his pain, his fear.
Ray
You... Your afraid... That you won't be as strong as darth vader.
Ray could feel all his feelings. She could see his thoughts. She could feel something strong. something over whelming, to the point that Ben broke the connection. Rey didn't know what she had just done. She didn't know what she was feeling. She felt a strong pull. a strong pull to him.
Ben felt violated. He was the one to always get inside someones head not the other way around. She has the force. He felt the force strong inside her. He felt he could teach her the ways of the force. He knew he could keep her here against her will, but it would be easier for her to stay here of her own accord. Ben felt attracted to Rey. He could feel her attraction to him as well. Ben tries to get back inside of her head again. He brings up his hand and pulls his face close to hers, at first she resists. Ben:
Don't resist. I'm not going to hurt you i just want to show you something
He shows her his thoughts and how he imagines her, powerful, standing next to him, with armys behind them. Her being the queen and Ben as the king and the leader of the order. Rey then pulls her face away slightly.
Ray
Now i want to show you something.
Ray turns her face to his and throws an image of Him and her Standing on an island, together, hand in hand. Than shows him images of them sitting in a window looking up at that stars off of a green planet. And then shows him an image of them kissing.
Ben then pushed his face towards hers unknowingly then with in a second they are thrown out of those images and Ben looks deep into Reys eyes. touches her face and caresses her cheek. She leans her face into his caress he pulls her face to his. As there lips touch they are lost.
The Firefighters Daughter
Now living in Ohio I don't have a fear of having my father die on duty but when I do get that feeling it hits like a freight train. I sometimes have dreams of me being at work and my sister coming up to me or having my boss come up to me with that face, The face of "something has happened" most people know that face, the feeling of your heart dropping. The feeling of the earth falling beneath your feet. Its a feeling that I hate. I have never had the feeling that causes me to fall to my knees and cry. Or not being able to move because I'm in shock. Even when 9/11 happened I was freaking out I was following my mom around the house with a box of tissues because my mom was crying because my dad was leaving. My dad was a first responder on the Pennsylvania site on 9/11.
I was 5 then so I didn't know what was going on. I am afraid of that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm consistently afraid of me feeling that feeling. I fear the pain. I'm afraid something huge might happen later on when I join MDMS or FEMA or DMAT and my dads gonna be there I am the one that has to save him or I am there saving other peoples lives until someone comes up to me and I ask " What is it? What's wrong?" there looking at me with "that look" and I know. I know something has happened. They look at me and say " its your dad." I ask someone to cover me and I run. I have to find him. I have to see him. I know I'm going into something I don't want to see but I don't care because I have to see him. I ask the person who told me " where is he?" they reply with were he is and in this dream he's in the med tent down the way and hes hurt badly. I run. I run so fast my feet don't even touch the ground for more then a second, and when I get there they all look at me with that look. I drop to the ground as I see them helping my dad with his injuries, and I am crying.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. But that got me thinking. Thinking about how that could happen and how I know I am going to marry a man who is exactly like my dad and I am going to experience that feeling in one way or an other. And is sparked something in my head, and it was me at home, living in inner city Chicago and feeding a baby, my baby, watching the news and it being about a fire and how my husbands fire department was on call. It was an apartment complex that the three top floors had been taken over by fire. I knew that he had done fires like this before and I thought to myself "everything's going to be alright, he's done it a million times before." I feel so overwhelmed that I shut he TV off. Firefighters shifts are 24 hours long. So I know I would see him tomorrow. So I put the baby to bed and sit and read and then my dream skips to late at night and I'm doing dishes and there is a car door slam. I wonder, who is outside, probably neighbors. Then I hear a knock on my door. I start walking to the door and I can see the battalion chiefs vehicle out front and I know. I open the door he's standing there with that look. I had seen it before, I know it all to well. He hands me my husbands helmet. And says to me, Mrs. Selmon its about your husband. May I come in." I usher him inside and he tells he about how my husband was a in the apartment building when the floor collapsed below him and how they tried to get him out but by the time they had gotten to him it was to late. The Chief told me that my he said to tell me he loved my very much and that he wants out baby to grow up knowing that his dad was a hero. Chief hands me his helmet. And I cant hold back the tears any longer I fall off my chair and start to sob. Chief holds me around my shoulders as I sob. I kept telling myself its not true, but I felt so real.
I know how firefighter funerals go. I have been to many. but this one was different, instead of me comforting the grieving widow, I am the grieving widow. And its hard. Its hard sit there and have people say I'm sorry for your lose over and over again and cry for so long and infront of so many people that eventually you stop crying because one your out of tears and two it hurts to much and it has made you tired. So you just sit there in silence and politely thank people for there condolences. Then the hardest part of the firefighters funeral is the bells... The fire station rings a bell for every year of service. So during these bells you sit there in complete silence and try not to cry but being the widow your expected to cry and no one would question who is crying because they all know. So you sit there and with every bell more tears flow and flow and they feel like they will never stop. But when the final bell rings that's when all the pain, all the sorrow, everything that has been there since he died flows freely because that's it. that's all the years he was there, that's all the time he spent working that's all the love that he had for his job. That's all folks. All of the pain in one... ring...
I'm just glad this hasn't happened to me yet with both my dad and my future husband. But I am dreading the day that the little yellow or blue and white car pulls up out side my house. I know it will. The problem now is when...
I was 5 then so I didn't know what was going on. I am afraid of that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm consistently afraid of me feeling that feeling. I fear the pain. I'm afraid something huge might happen later on when I join MDMS or FEMA or DMAT and my dads gonna be there I am the one that has to save him or I am there saving other peoples lives until someone comes up to me and I ask " What is it? What's wrong?" there looking at me with "that look" and I know. I know something has happened. They look at me and say " its your dad." I ask someone to cover me and I run. I have to find him. I have to see him. I know I'm going into something I don't want to see but I don't care because I have to see him. I ask the person who told me " where is he?" they reply with were he is and in this dream he's in the med tent down the way and hes hurt badly. I run. I run so fast my feet don't even touch the ground for more then a second, and when I get there they all look at me with that look. I drop to the ground as I see them helping my dad with his injuries, and I am crying.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. But that got me thinking. Thinking about how that could happen and how I know I am going to marry a man who is exactly like my dad and I am going to experience that feeling in one way or an other. And is sparked something in my head, and it was me at home, living in inner city Chicago and feeding a baby, my baby, watching the news and it being about a fire and how my husbands fire department was on call. It was an apartment complex that the three top floors had been taken over by fire. I knew that he had done fires like this before and I thought to myself "everything's going to be alright, he's done it a million times before." I feel so overwhelmed that I shut he TV off. Firefighters shifts are 24 hours long. So I know I would see him tomorrow. So I put the baby to bed and sit and read and then my dream skips to late at night and I'm doing dishes and there is a car door slam. I wonder, who is outside, probably neighbors. Then I hear a knock on my door. I start walking to the door and I can see the battalion chiefs vehicle out front and I know. I open the door he's standing there with that look. I had seen it before, I know it all to well. He hands me my husbands helmet. And says to me, Mrs. Selmon its about your husband. May I come in." I usher him inside and he tells he about how my husband was a in the apartment building when the floor collapsed below him and how they tried to get him out but by the time they had gotten to him it was to late. The Chief told me that my he said to tell me he loved my very much and that he wants out baby to grow up knowing that his dad was a hero. Chief hands me his helmet. And I cant hold back the tears any longer I fall off my chair and start to sob. Chief holds me around my shoulders as I sob. I kept telling myself its not true, but I felt so real.
I know how firefighter funerals go. I have been to many. but this one was different, instead of me comforting the grieving widow, I am the grieving widow. And its hard. Its hard sit there and have people say I'm sorry for your lose over and over again and cry for so long and infront of so many people that eventually you stop crying because one your out of tears and two it hurts to much and it has made you tired. So you just sit there in silence and politely thank people for there condolences. Then the hardest part of the firefighters funeral is the bells... The fire station rings a bell for every year of service. So during these bells you sit there in complete silence and try not to cry but being the widow your expected to cry and no one would question who is crying because they all know. So you sit there and with every bell more tears flow and flow and they feel like they will never stop. But when the final bell rings that's when all the pain, all the sorrow, everything that has been there since he died flows freely because that's it. that's all the years he was there, that's all the time he spent working that's all the love that he had for his job. That's all folks. All of the pain in one... ring...
I'm just glad this hasn't happened to me yet with both my dad and my future husband. But I am dreading the day that the little yellow or blue and white car pulls up out side my house. I know it will. The problem now is when...
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