Now living in Ohio I don't have a fear of having my father die on duty but when I do get that feeling it hits like a freight train. I sometimes have dreams of me being at work and my sister coming up to me or having my boss come up to me with that face, The face of "something has happened" most people know that face, the feeling of your heart dropping. The feeling of the earth falling beneath your feet. Its a feeling that I hate. I have never had the feeling that causes me to fall to my knees and cry. Or not being able to move because I'm in shock. Even when 9/11 happened I was freaking out I was following my mom around the house with a box of tissues because my mom was crying because my dad was leaving. My dad was a first responder on the Pennsylvania site on 9/11.
I was 5 then so I didn't know what was going on. I am afraid of that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm consistently afraid of me feeling that feeling. I fear the pain. I'm afraid something huge might happen later on when I join MDMS or FEMA or DMAT and my dads gonna be there I am the one that has to save him or I am there saving other peoples lives until someone comes up to me and I ask " What is it? What's wrong?" there looking at me with "that look" and I know. I know something has happened. They look at me and say " its your dad." I ask someone to cover me and I run. I have to find him. I have to see him. I know I'm going into something I don't want to see but I don't care because I have to see him. I ask the person who told me " where is he?" they reply with were he is and in this dream he's in the med tent down the way and hes hurt badly. I run. I run so fast my feet don't even touch the ground for more then a second, and when I get there they all look at me with that look. I drop to the ground as I see them helping my dad with his injuries, and I am crying.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. But that got me thinking. Thinking about how that could happen and how I know I am going to marry a man who is exactly like my dad and I am going to experience that feeling in one way or an other. And is sparked something in my head, and it was me at home, living in inner city Chicago and feeding a baby, my baby, watching the news and it being about a fire and how my husbands fire department was on call. It was an apartment complex that the three top floors had been taken over by fire. I knew that he had done fires like this before and I thought to myself "everything's going to be alright, he's done it a million times before." I feel so overwhelmed that I shut he TV off. Firefighters shifts are 24 hours long. So I know I would see him tomorrow. So I put the baby to bed and sit and read and then my dream skips to late at night and I'm doing dishes and there is a car door slam. I wonder, who is outside, probably neighbors. Then I hear a knock on my door. I start walking to the door and I can see the battalion chiefs vehicle out front and I know. I open the door he's standing there with that look. I had seen it before, I know it all to well. He hands me my husbands helmet. And says to me, Mrs. Selmon its about your husband. May I come in." I usher him inside and he tells he about how my husband was a in the apartment building when the floor collapsed below him and how they tried to get him out but by the time they had gotten to him it was to late. The Chief told me that my he said to tell me he loved my very much and that he wants out baby to grow up knowing that his dad was a hero. Chief hands me his helmet. And I cant hold back the tears any longer I fall off my chair and start to sob. Chief holds me around my shoulders as I sob. I kept telling myself its not true, but I felt so real.
I know how firefighter funerals go. I have been to many. but this one was different, instead of me comforting the grieving widow, I am the grieving widow. And its hard. Its hard sit there and have people say I'm sorry for your lose over and over again and cry for so long and infront of so many people that eventually you stop crying because one your out of tears and two it hurts to much and it has made you tired. So you just sit there in silence and politely thank people for there condolences. Then the hardest part of the firefighters funeral is the bells... The fire station rings a bell for every year of service. So during these bells you sit there in complete silence and try not to cry but being the widow your expected to cry and no one would question who is crying because they all know. So you sit there and with every bell more tears flow and flow and they feel like they will never stop. But when the final bell rings that's when all the pain, all the sorrow, everything that has been there since he died flows freely because that's it. that's all the years he was there, that's all the time he spent working that's all the love that he had for his job. That's all folks. All of the pain in one... ring...
I'm just glad this hasn't happened to me yet with both my dad and my future husband. But I am dreading the day that the little yellow or blue and white car pulls up out side my house. I know it will. The problem now is when...
No comments:
Post a Comment