There are fangirls everywhere

so I was taking a walk through the hospital and I pass a girl with pink hair and she complemented my shirt.

That got me thinking the only way for other members of our kind can know that we are here is by wearing the colors of out people. lol. but when we have to look like hobo geeks , or have pink hair, where black and watch Netflix all day. for guys to realize that we are truly geeks. What the actual fuck.

Im a real fan girl, I where superman underwear, I wear normal makeup but I don't where it all the time. you don't have to be  a compleat geek for me to be a fangirl. I don't have to be a pretty girl. what I have to be is me and if that means I watch Netflix and drink starubcks, but I also like to be a geek and go to cons and blog when I want to. I am a typical geek white girl.

UPDATE:

UPDATE: So my family is pretty good right now, I'm fine the only thing I really want to talk to you about is the who moments leading up to the death thing. I know I have gone over this before but this time its slightly different. I stopped being able to feel.
     The last time I wrote something like this I was sad and now I don't feel anything. If I am about to feel an emotion like sadness or anger my emotions shut off. I go numb. I can't express to you enough that I am dead inside and I don't know what I can do about it. Now that I can write something and not feel anything. This might be a bit boring or sad. I can't tell.
     The moments leading up to a death that is like a cancer or a major illness of some sort are the saddest moment of some peoples lives. And the scariest of the person who dying. Some have no idea that they are dying like people with dementia. There is a song about that its "I'm not gonna miss you" I can't remember who sang it (kind of Ironic) but it perfectly embodies what Dementia is and feels like. When you have no idea what's going on and you don't care because you have no idea that you have no idea. kind of funny when you think about it but also sad, because all the people around you feel so sad because they know your dying and you have no clue. Your brain is deteriorating and you just know that, the sky is pretty and there is people around you. you don't know who they are, you don't know where you know them from but you know that they care about you.  The Notebook is a perfect representation also. She has no idea who that story is about, all she knows is its beautiful and she recognizes it a little but them forgets everything at they end of the day.

     Now the people that know they are dying are scared shitless because they know the end is near and they sometimes try there hardest to stop it at all costs. And those who know and also know that they cant stop it get scared more and more each day until there time comes. My uncle just had a stroke and I know he wont admit it but he's scared. He's scared that the stoke may be the thing that kills him and most of all he's scared he will have to become fully dependent upon someone else.
Do you know what the greatest fear of most Americans is dependence. That's why most people think there afraid of death, they are afraid of the moments leading up to death.

my fantacy of people

     So today was my favorite guy coworkers last day with us at work, he quit to go away to school. and I have, for a while, had a I guess you could way crush of him. So I do this thing that is I imagine situations that are what I call realistic but hardly possible. which are situations that are completely out of the box but realistic in nature. And for him I would think of things he would say if he liked me as much as I like him. Well I knew that every time I spoke to him or said hello he would smile this little shy smile and I took that as he may just like me as a  friend or just a passing face. But in my fantasy's we were more then just passing faces, we were friends that talked more then when we saw each other in passing.
      When he left today, I started thinking of things he might do after he left like last goodbyes, last things he wanted to do before he left, or that he might do. I heard him over the radio saying goodbye to his carry out friends, so I waved at him as he walked to his car and yelled goodbye. Then I imagined he would get in his car and start to pull out than realize something then pull into the loading zone and run up to my door and I would look at him and say " forget something?" he would look me in the eyes and say " no I didn't forget anything I just need to do something." I ask him " what is so important it couldn't wait for tomorrow?" he leans in towards my face, looks deep in to my eyes and says " you." then continues to lean in and then proceeds to  kiss me.
      My fantasies usually end there. There is an other guy at my work that does this thing where when I am just standing doing my job he will look at my with " the look," you know the look. The look of utter adoration. The look that says that he is thinking " wow she is beautiful, she has to be mine." the only thing is, he won't do anything and I think that means that the look that he gives me doesn't mean anything. I was told that the man who gives you the look is someone who is worth being with. Someone who truly loves you. And the only thing is he hasn't done anything to make me think that he thinks that way about me besides every time I see him he is giving me that look. I don't know.

Just a kiss

I guess Im a hopeless romantic or maybe just a teenager but I am a girl. Im a girl that has only been kissed twice. By the same guy. And i would like to be kissed again by someone else at least. Is that to much to ask. I am fucking 18 years old about to turn 19 and i have only been kissed by one man. Is that good or bad. I dont know all i know is that i want ro be kissed. I want a kiss that makes you forget whats going on for tjat time frame. I want a guy to suprise me by turning my head grabbing my face and pulling my lips to his. I want a kiss to be like we get so lost in the kiss whem we realize we are kissing he pulls away for fear that if he keeps kissing me he won't be able to stop. That moment that you think no one is watching and you want to hold on to that moment forever. But you cant so you stop because if you don't stop them you never will. I want someone to look at me and be mesmorized my my mouth so much that they cant wait to kiss me agian.
I want a kiss that when you think about it you cant help but smile. I want that kind of kiss. No thinking about what happens next no risking it just to see what happens. I want it just to be a kiss. A kiss that lasts for a life time.

so I just now watched the season finale of Stitchers. mmmmm ooooooo that made me cry so hard. I don't think I could do that. noooooo. there is no cool.
 for those of you who havet seen it prepare for soooooo many spoilers.
First I would like to point out that the whole Camrons not in love with her crap, the thing he told the reporter in the interview about how Camron feels more protective of her then love. BULLSHIT!!!!!! The whole end of the show was to show what Camron thought about all the time and all the most powerful memories where of her. Like it or not creators Camron loves her and she knows one of the few emotions she feels is for him. and its looooooovvvvve. when cam died I died with him for 4 minutes I was in so much pain from the death that at the cliff hanger at the end I cried so hard.
the fact that the reason Kirsten has the disorder she has is because her father and her wanted to bring her mother back to life from a coma. wow. just wow.
is that what the stitchers program was originally designed to do. to bring people out of comas or frankenstin give life to an otherwise contiousless body. they want to bring the death back to life.
wow.