I realized something after coming out of my doctors office today.  He said I minimize things in my stress. And don't speak things out. Well that's true I make my self actually think that the things I'm dealing with are smaller than they are.  I feel like I'm just a pebble in the earth, that there are 3.6 zillion more people on the earth that have more problems that I do and mine are not important compared to there's.  And I feel like if I try and fix myself over the world then that would be selfish.  And that's why I have the problems I do.  Cause is express myself in anyway I would be told oh I'm just complaining and being a wimp when in reality I'm just letting all the stuff that I acumulated over time out on just spilled milk.  Like that fact that I thought someone I liked was gay.  That thought almost made me cry.  Now it's reasons like this is why I just say all of this ony blog because if I said anything like this on facebook or tumblr people would complain and have to give there two since worth.

dealing with death

So today I got off of work and I get into my moms car.  She starts  driving and we're talking about what to cook for dinner.  We're driving to Walmart and my mom says to me your grandpa's in the hospital. And I figured oh well he was supposed to be informed the hospital because he has a surgery coming up anyways. So they just brought him in early. We no. She continues to say that they found a mass on his brain. Well that is scary Because they don't know what it is or if it's life threatening or not.
          That got me thinking. Well I had heard once that death isn't the worsed part of the passing of a loved one.  It's the moments leading up to the death that's hard. And dealing with the fact that they are going to or have already passed. And this is true. At least in my experience. I have watched so many people try and keep loved ones alive and making there lives better when they are just trying to  cope with the inevitable fact that the loved one died or is dying. My uncle Was sleeping next to his wife when she had fallen out of bed and fractured her skull.  What he did is he called 911 and when he called everyone to tell then she was dying he told them she was already dead. Because he was keeping her on a ventalater  until he could tell her goodbye.
Even in her last moments of life he still considered her dead because it was easier to cope that way.  My mom is now coping with the fact that my grandpa may die soon.  And all though this is hard to say.  So am I. My grandpa is scared. I have never seen him cry Until fathers day this year when he told my mom he was going in for surgery. He has been diagnosed with P. A. D. and that means his blood clots up all the time and he has to have lots is surgery. But when my mom got that call from my grandma that my Grandpa had a mass on his brain She was about in tears. Having cancer can be hard to deal with. And to be the loved one that has to cope is hard but being to one who has cancer is even harder.  Now you have to live through all these pain and every thing that goes with cancer. Now the loved one that's copping now they have to prepare for lifting with of them.

I'm gonna ask a question. Would you rather know that someone is dying months ahead of time and have to wait for the day they die or would you rather them die suddenly?
Most people would choose the first one because then took can tell them all got want to say before. I think I would choose... Well I would choose the second one. Because instead of knowing someone's going to die and handing to deal with the suffering. I want to just deal with the aftermath. Because then I can cope.  Then I can dwell for sure couple months and move on.  Rather than having weeks, months, maybe even years worth of waiting and just siting being helpless.  Yeah I would rather that.
Well I'm done for today night

Stitchers fan-fiction Part 2: After the Bomb

Here's an other fan-fiction for Stitchers cause I couldn't just leave it there and it seemed to be popular for my stand point. So here's a continuation from the last one.


                     After leaving the science building at UC Sana monica, and after being stopped by the cop Mr. Tightass me and Camron got driven back to the lab by Maggie and her henchmen. We get in the car and I sit next to the window of the black Sedan in the back seat and Camron sits in the seat next to by the other window. We are sitting there waiting for the inevitable riot act from Maggie but she gets in and doesn't even look at us she just sits in the seat in front of me very tense. I'm sitting there I decide to look out the window case what else do you do in a car that is awkwardly silent, I look out the window and start to day dream. Actually day dream, and  I think  about how Camron wouldn't leave when I told him to leave. He was so scared and he wouldn't leave with out me... how interesting, what does that mean? that got me thinking about the elevator earlier and how he gave me an ounce of emotion so easily, and with just a kiss.

                      I wake out of my day dream when I feel someone grab my hand my first instinct was to pull away but when I see that Camron is the one who grabbed my hand I relax and look into his puppy do eyes. He looks at me and mouths the words "are you okay?" I nod yes and squeeze his hand briefly to reasher him that I am. He looks at me and  nodes back with a smile. we return to our looking out opposite windows and I do notice Maggie look back and see we are holding hands and than turns her head back with a smile.

                     

So for this post I'm going to try something that I haven't done before. I'm going to write some fan-fiction. This particular fan-fiction with be based off the brand new TV show Stitchers. If you have seen the first episode you automatically have a pairing of the lab geek Camron and the main character Kirsten. Kirsten has a condition called temporal dysplasia, where the person has no time perception and can't tell if they have being doing something for 1 hour or 1 minute. the TV show Stitchers is based where Kirsten has her consciousness inserted into a dead persons brain to experiance to events leading up to that persons death. Here goes

After getting out of Maggie's office I walked to the elevator to start my search for the blue door on Sepovita Bolivard. I get in the elevator, the doors start to close and than a hand pops up in the door and its Camron. Ugh, really she sent him to go after me. Well he better stay out of my way. He gets in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. I start to talk "If your here to stop me, than you wasted your energy, because I'm not budging." his reply is surprising "I'm not here to stop you, contrary to what Maggie thinks, im just here to make sure you don't die or injure your self enough that you can't participate in the program. That's all." I am happy with his response and I reply with " well thank you I guess." Now we are standing in the elevator in silence  I look at the screen on the side of the door and we still have a hundred and twenty-six more floors to go. Ugh. Camron broke the silence with " so you said that you may have experienced love in the stich. Is that what you were feeling when you kissed me after?" I am taken aback by his audacity.  I reply with " I don't know what I was feeling after the stich. All I knew was I was really affected." He says " well okay than, I'd like to do an experiment to see if you do in fact have feelings in that head of yours." that's intriguing, I don't know how he would do that. I have had some serious feelings in the past few days what on earth could he possibly try to recreate those feelings. I come back with " what could you possibly do to evoke feelings, from me." He looks at me with a quizzical look n his face and than says " simple we can try to recreate some of the events you encountered in the stich and attach them to feelings you have over feelings the bomber guy had." hum. that sound legitimate enough. I reply with " okay go for it."

Camron turns twords me so that we are face to face and raises his hand so it is resting on my cheek. He runs his hand through my hair, which evokes a strange feeling, a feeling of weightlessness, and it feels like there is a pain of some sort that is in my gut, but it doesn't hurt. He leans his head down so his lips meet mine. He's holding my head with his large hand fisting in my hair as he snakes his other hand to the small of my back. I grab his sholders to make sure that I can still stand up because this felling that I have. its like nothing I have ever felt before, well I think its the only emotion that I have actually felt. His tounge invades my mouth with so much power that its hard to keep up. Before I know it he has backed me up against the elevator wall holding me there with his hip. I am captured in his mouth. Him pushing against me with every part of him. But then all of the sudden he stopped. And we both are left panting. Now we are just standing there me still entrapped by him pressed against me. He looks at me in the eyes and says " did that make you feel anything?" I start to laugh even with my breathless tone " yeah. You could say I felt something." We both giggle as the doors of the elevator finally open. Camron grabs my hand and leads me out and says " so ill give you a choice, we can go look for blue doors on Sepovida, or we can finish that experiment, I know what I want to do the question is is what do you want to do." I look at him and I know the right answer for him and I know the right answer for the case. So I actually find myself contemplating the answer. I know my gut tells me to, well all of me is telling me to go with the "experiment" but I know what I should really do is finish the case, so I say "well I know what I want to do is finish the experiment. But we really have to finish the case." He looks at me with understanding eyes and says " so you did feel something. I can see by the fact that your smiling non-stop and the fact that you had to think about it. I guess we have to finish the case. Where do we start, Ace?"