SHOUTY CAPITALS

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT....
 Sorry about that I just wanted to get that out of the way, but hey it got your attention. Im tired. I am a new adult, is what i like to call it, because well I'm young and I now have resposibilitys im in college and i have to budget and all that stuff. Which I'm fine with I just find it tiring. I work all the time. I do school all the time and the short time i spend with my friends is limited and never as fun as we plan it out to be. We expect that we are going out and having fun but what we do is hang around and do nothing because non of us have gas or we all to tired. I am now just tired.
 I have found a love of books I see a movie, love it, and then read the book on it. I am addicted.  i consistently read. i try and finish a book so i can read the next one in the series. I have read the entire Fifty shades series and not im on the last book. The new one.... Grey.  E. L. James needs to write the rest of the series in Christen Grey perspective. ITS SO GOOD. I love it. It may sound a little but much but I'm going as Anastasia for Halloween. In the second book Fifty Shades Darker Christen takes her to his parents benefit ball for Coping Together, his parents charity to help families who have adopted children from bad homes cope along with the children, like Christen and his family. In the book Anastasia gets a silver dress with a silver and grey lace mask from christen and wheres that to the ball. I am toning that down just a little bit and wearing a silver lacy blouse with the silver and black lace mask and I have a long brown hair wig that I am wearing. I think its going to be very pretty, but I am trying to deside whether to where heals and skinny jeans or high tops and skinny jeans, I do have silver sparkle vans that I wore to prom, I think I'll wear those.

Anxiety and Depression

I was skimming through Facebook like I always do and I see an article on anxiety and depression. I decide not to click on it cause its probably just an article to raise awareness. And I know there's going to be some articles that say that and all the things that go with that the thing is, I scroll past it and see three more articles saying something about this. And I know that we need to raise awareness and I agree with all the articles on anxiety and depression. but the thing that gets me is I suffer from anxiety and depression and these articles that are supposed to make us feel like we are not alone just make us feel worse. As I read these articles about it I feel yes you know what I'm feeling and that's cool and all but the anxiety makes it so that when I see so many things about me or about things that involve me I feel more alone then I should. Honestly I feel like if you raise awareness more and more people will come forward and say "hey I have that" and some of them have no idea what an anxiety attack is. Some of them have no idea how it feels to be standing in a room full of your closest friends or relatives and feel nothing, empty, and like you don't belong. Honestly, and I may sound paranoid by saying this, I feel that the more aware people become the more there self actualized theory comes true.

These people that go on to WebMD to see what this red mark is on there arm and see that is might be sickle cell disease and then freak out and go to the doctor and he says It not and that its just a scratch. these people that go on to Facebook see these articles on anxiety and depression and read them and thing " Oh My God I'm depressed and I have anxiety about being depressed" and then go on to there social media and comment about having anxiety and depression. When in reality they have nothing there just paranoid and have nothing better to do then sit at there computer all day and complain about there life.

If they really did have anxiety then they would be to afraid to say anything for they feel of someone making fun of them or telling them that they complain to much.

People with anxiety and depression both together suffer from the strangest of feelings. We feel sad but at the same time we are afraid to cry for fear someone might see. we are frustrated but at the same time we don't want to do anything for fear someone would say we are over reacting. when we have anxiety attacks people try and play it off as if we do it all the time. I have seizers which are manifested anxiety attacks I have prolonged happening for fear some one would play it off as a freak episode. and even when I started having seizers I went to the hospital the doctor took one look at my file and saw the word anxiety and automatically thought I was faking or that I could control it. He stood by my bed side and watched me have a seizer and stood there looking at me, did nothing and just kept saying " you can stop now, you can stop now, " this happened over a year ago and to this day it still angers me.

So next time you, who is faking anxiety to get attention, complain about your anxiety level and how depressed you are. think of this I have suffered for 15 years with anxiety and 2 years with depression, no medication can help me and almost everyone thinks if faking. you don't know what it feels like to have the feeling if spiders crawling all over your body, your heart beat rising to the point you almost burst, so you crawl into the fetal position to prevent you self from exploding. and you sit there crying your eyes out for several minutes or until you regain what little hold you have on yourself. Next time you complain about your "Anxiety level" remember this. you don't know anxiety. We do, and most of us feel nothing anymore.

religan in its finest form

So I find myself questioning something. Even though I often question if god even exists to begin with but I do find myself questioning if he does exist I sometimes think that we could be seeing him everyday. We could have met him and we didn't even know it. I'm going to quote a famous song "what if god was one of us?" He could be a homeless person trying to see if people are generous enough to give him or her spare change. Or she could be a politician trying to see who will follow her on blind faith. Or even a pastor preaching her words of wisdom upon us. she could be anyone and we would be none the wiser. She could be anyone.

I watch super natural so I have a pretty screwed up view on religion. In supernatural the angel Castile becomes God at one point. But he doesn't change like being possessed does to a person. He simply knows that he has all gods powers. So this makes my wonder. Could god do that. Could she give up her powers to a mortal like in "Bruce all mighty" could God be a human. God could be living in a crappy apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan and be a bar tender the local bar. My question is how could a God look at our world that he so called " created" and see all the things that go on. All the wars over stupid imaginary lines and people getting killed everyday over the color of there skin or the people they choose to love. How could a God look at this world and not fix it with a wave of his have? If I had the ability to change the world and make everyone love each other and not fight I would.  What I don't understand is that people are hating other people and killing other people over a book that they say says that they should be killed or hated.

If you are hating someone or killing people based on your religion than you are doing it wrong.

I lived a day in someone elses shows and I tell you it was an eye opener. I lived 24 hours wearing a hijab. Being in a hijab taught me how to ignore what people think, but it also taught me to notice it. I live in a vey controversial area where we don't take kindly to outsiders, and me wearing a hijab raised some red flags. People looked at me strange and people would openly stare and look at me. I honestly looked like they were silently condemning me. I actually walked into a restaurant and a man blatantly looked at me and then did a double take to make sure he knew what he was seeing. I had many stares and some people walked into a restaurant I was in and took one look at me turned around and walk out saying under there breath "I'm not going to risk sitting in a restaurant with a Muslim." honestly the nerve of some people.

Although I may have chosen an inopportune time to do this social experiment. I did my experiment the day before and a little bit the day of 9/11. So I may have bad timing but the experiment held true.

There are fangirls everywhere

so I was taking a walk through the hospital and I pass a girl with pink hair and she complemented my shirt.

That got me thinking the only way for other members of our kind can know that we are here is by wearing the colors of out people. lol. but when we have to look like hobo geeks , or have pink hair, where black and watch Netflix all day. for guys to realize that we are truly geeks. What the actual fuck.

Im a real fan girl, I where superman underwear, I wear normal makeup but I don't where it all the time. you don't have to be  a compleat geek for me to be a fangirl. I don't have to be a pretty girl. what I have to be is me and if that means I watch Netflix and drink starubcks, but I also like to be a geek and go to cons and blog when I want to. I am a typical geek white girl.

UPDATE:

UPDATE: So my family is pretty good right now, I'm fine the only thing I really want to talk to you about is the who moments leading up to the death thing. I know I have gone over this before but this time its slightly different. I stopped being able to feel.
     The last time I wrote something like this I was sad and now I don't feel anything. If I am about to feel an emotion like sadness or anger my emotions shut off. I go numb. I can't express to you enough that I am dead inside and I don't know what I can do about it. Now that I can write something and not feel anything. This might be a bit boring or sad. I can't tell.
     The moments leading up to a death that is like a cancer or a major illness of some sort are the saddest moment of some peoples lives. And the scariest of the person who dying. Some have no idea that they are dying like people with dementia. There is a song about that its "I'm not gonna miss you" I can't remember who sang it (kind of Ironic) but it perfectly embodies what Dementia is and feels like. When you have no idea what's going on and you don't care because you have no idea that you have no idea. kind of funny when you think about it but also sad, because all the people around you feel so sad because they know your dying and you have no clue. Your brain is deteriorating and you just know that, the sky is pretty and there is people around you. you don't know who they are, you don't know where you know them from but you know that they care about you.  The Notebook is a perfect representation also. She has no idea who that story is about, all she knows is its beautiful and she recognizes it a little but them forgets everything at they end of the day.

     Now the people that know they are dying are scared shitless because they know the end is near and they sometimes try there hardest to stop it at all costs. And those who know and also know that they cant stop it get scared more and more each day until there time comes. My uncle just had a stroke and I know he wont admit it but he's scared. He's scared that the stoke may be the thing that kills him and most of all he's scared he will have to become fully dependent upon someone else.
Do you know what the greatest fear of most Americans is dependence. That's why most people think there afraid of death, they are afraid of the moments leading up to death.

my fantacy of people

     So today was my favorite guy coworkers last day with us at work, he quit to go away to school. and I have, for a while, had a I guess you could way crush of him. So I do this thing that is I imagine situations that are what I call realistic but hardly possible. which are situations that are completely out of the box but realistic in nature. And for him I would think of things he would say if he liked me as much as I like him. Well I knew that every time I spoke to him or said hello he would smile this little shy smile and I took that as he may just like me as a  friend or just a passing face. But in my fantasy's we were more then just passing faces, we were friends that talked more then when we saw each other in passing.
      When he left today, I started thinking of things he might do after he left like last goodbyes, last things he wanted to do before he left, or that he might do. I heard him over the radio saying goodbye to his carry out friends, so I waved at him as he walked to his car and yelled goodbye. Then I imagined he would get in his car and start to pull out than realize something then pull into the loading zone and run up to my door and I would look at him and say " forget something?" he would look me in the eyes and say " no I didn't forget anything I just need to do something." I ask him " what is so important it couldn't wait for tomorrow?" he leans in towards my face, looks deep in to my eyes and says " you." then continues to lean in and then proceeds to  kiss me.
      My fantasies usually end there. There is an other guy at my work that does this thing where when I am just standing doing my job he will look at my with " the look," you know the look. The look of utter adoration. The look that says that he is thinking " wow she is beautiful, she has to be mine." the only thing is, he won't do anything and I think that means that the look that he gives me doesn't mean anything. I was told that the man who gives you the look is someone who is worth being with. Someone who truly loves you. And the only thing is he hasn't done anything to make me think that he thinks that way about me besides every time I see him he is giving me that look. I don't know.

Just a kiss

I guess Im a hopeless romantic or maybe just a teenager but I am a girl. Im a girl that has only been kissed twice. By the same guy. And i would like to be kissed again by someone else at least. Is that to much to ask. I am fucking 18 years old about to turn 19 and i have only been kissed by one man. Is that good or bad. I dont know all i know is that i want ro be kissed. I want a kiss that makes you forget whats going on for tjat time frame. I want a guy to suprise me by turning my head grabbing my face and pulling my lips to his. I want a kiss to be like we get so lost in the kiss whem we realize we are kissing he pulls away for fear that if he keeps kissing me he won't be able to stop. That moment that you think no one is watching and you want to hold on to that moment forever. But you cant so you stop because if you don't stop them you never will. I want someone to look at me and be mesmorized my my mouth so much that they cant wait to kiss me agian.
I want a kiss that when you think about it you cant help but smile. I want that kind of kiss. No thinking about what happens next no risking it just to see what happens. I want it just to be a kiss. A kiss that lasts for a life time.