Bryce Should Get

Away with It

By Mckayla A. Johnson

The new Netflix series that is sweeping the nation is none other the show    13 reasons why. The show is about a teenager, Hannah Baker, that kills herself and leave tapes with 13 reason why. Each reason is a person and in the order that the tapes are set, the people get the tapes. One of the last tapes is Bryce Walker. Hannah states that Bryce raped her friend, Jessica, and then her. Clay Jenson, Hannah’s love interest in the series, who is also on the tapes. Went to Bryce’s house to confront him on this; and, while recording him, gets a confession from him. After this the tapes were giving to the last person on the tapes, Mr. Porter, who was the school psychologist who wouldn’t help her.

 After their daughter’s death Hannah's parents are suing the school for not see that she was bullied. They don’t know about the tapes. Before Clay gave the tapes to the school he had his friend Tony transfer them to a flash drive that he gave to the Bakers. In the last episode, they show the 13 individuals being brought in for questioning by the prosecution pending a trial. They don’t show the trial, so that means that now that the show had been renewed for a second season, they may show the trial.

The show covers a variety of topics like suicide and rape, this has caused a controversy in showing the effects of such events on the people and those around them. This brings us to the main topic of this article. Hoping that the show’s producers keep going with this streak of controversy. When they keep going with the trial and when the trial against Bryce starts, I want him to get away with raping Hannah and Jessica.  

 Netflix

This will s how the injustice in today’s judicial system and that today’s boys don’t know how to respect woman. They are told to pick on girls to show their affection, they are taught to view woman as sex objects, objects to possess. They are taught to shoot for the stars no matter what’s in your way. This, is possibly the mentality that men who rape woman have. But when they are on trial they feel remorse only because their lives are on the line. In college, some men feel like they own the world just because they have a promising future.

This was the mentality Bryce Walker when he raped Hannah and Jessica. Even though Bryce isn’t in college, the mentality is the same. Bryce Walker represents a very specific set of men. Rich, white, handsome, promising future, and thinks he owns the world just because he has money. These characteristics describe all too well, too many men. Bryce Walker represents men like Brock Turner.

Brock Turner. Santa Clara Sheriff's Office

Brock Turner was a 19-year-old freshman at Stanford University when on January 18^th 2015 was caught raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. He was tried, in the trial the prosecution argued for 6 years, Brock was given 6 months and then let out after serving only 3.

This sentencing was due to the fact that Brock has a “promising future” according to his lawyer. Brock was rich and his parents bought him a very good lawyer. Brock is just one of the many examples of rich, white boys who get let off with the minimum sentence because they have a “promising future.”

This a problem that needs to be addressed and that’s why he needs to get away with the rapes. To show the audience that it is very real and needs to stop. 13 Reasons Why shows rape, bullying, depression, battle with mental illness, and suicide, they should add this too.

Brock and Bryce are one in the same, both white, both rich, both have the ‘I own the world’ attitude, and both have raped girls. Brock got away with it, and now lives in a small Ohio town where people picket outside his house and despise him. With Bryce, it may be a similar story, but he won’t get jail time. He may get a slap on the wrist and may have to move to another school district to pretend like the whole Hannah Baker thing never happened. But those rapist urges may still be there and he may rape again, but this time he will be caught and tried and convicted. Then and only then will the rapes stop.

This is all what I hope to happen in season 2.  The injustice of our judicial system is more than just something to be brushed off as it’s just the way it is.

This is all to show viewers what’s right underneath their noses. What’s really happening but going unreported. Brock Turner was a horrible person and Bryce is no different. The show will end with out-cry but that’s the point. It has to end someway why not with a bang. That’s why Bryce should get away with it. To give light to something that is not talked about often enough.

References: "13 Reasons Why (2017) S01e12 Episode Script | SS." Springfield! Springfield! Trans. N/a. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 May 2017.

Hollyfield, Amy, and Matt Keller. "Brock Turner Released from Jail in Santa Clara County." ABC7 San Francisco. ABC7, 02 Sept. 2016. Web. 17 May 2017.

N/a. "Brock Turner Bio." SwimSwam. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 May 2017. 

Your fine. Get over it

Stop it. Stop faking. Stop it.  Stop it. Your faking.  Your faking.  Your not having a seizure. Your over reacting you just having an anxiety attack. Just stop it.  Your over reacting. Just stop get over it.  Just stop.
This runs through my head at least 20 to 30 times a day.  This brings tears to my eyes.  Every time I have a seizure in public I am told this.  Unless there is a person there saying I have a condition.  ThaT I have PNES. But when I explain that it's not in my head and it's real. They look at me like I'm crazy.  I have been told that there's nothing wrong with me through its all in my head.  That I'm crazy.  It hurts. It really hurts. Even if it wasn't a seizure even if it wasn't cause by anxiety  it still hurts to be told your faking.  Anxiety is a real illness.  Never... Ever...  Tell a person who is have and anxiety attack/ seizure to stop.  Get over it. Walk it off.  Your fine.  Because we're not fine.  We are dying inside. We can't just get over it.

Star Wars fan fiction continued

The doors opened, in front of Ben General Hux stood. Looking sightly winded and frightened, Ben stood up straight trying to look as professional as possible.
Ben 
I haven't gotten anything out of her. But I did find out she has the force strong with in her. Stronger then she knows. I'm intend to train her and then she will willingly give us Skywalkers location..
General Hux
We don't have time for you to train her. We need the location before the resistance gets it. For all we know they could have it already.
Ben
I found out they only have the part of the map that the droid has. We have the rest. I am going to train her. Teach her the power of the dark side. Show her all the power and then she will gladly show us to Skywalker. Let me train her.
General Hux
Fine but do what you can fast. So that we can get the most out of her the fastest. Okay?

Ben nods his head in agreement and General Hux and his band of storm troopers turns around and heads back to deck. As soon as they are out of sight Ben breaths out a sigh of relief. Then he reopens the cell doors to see Ray in the restraints with staring at him with a quizzical expression on her face. Ben walks forward and releases her restraints and takes her hand.
Ben
Here come with me...
Ray 
Where are we going?
She says excitedly, with a slight tinge of fear of not knowing what is going to happen.
Ben
I'm going to train you how to use the force that is inside you. I'm going to train you to the dark side before they teach you the light.
Ray takes her had back slowly. Then looks up at him with weary eyes and takes a small step back. Ben, afraid he is going to loose her before he even gets her, grabs her arm softly, just enough to stop her from running but not enough to hurt her. Seeing the disgusted look on her face struck fear in his heart.
Ben
What?
Ray
What makes you so sure I have the force, let alone want to go to the dark side?
Ben 
I felt it. When you were inside my head. You were using the force. That force pulled us together, the force is what brought you to me. The dark side calls to you Ray. Can' t you feel it?
Ray relaxed a little bit, but was still uneasy about the dark side. Ray looked down because she knew there was something. She didn't know if it was the dark side or if it was something different. All she knew was the was something pulling her to Ben. Ben took her silence as an invitation, so he took her hand and guided her out of the cell and down the corridor to a room with a bed and then turned to Ray and proceeded to speak.
Ben
If I am to teach you these would be your living accommodations. You would have complete freedom but you would have storm troopers on guard around the clock. Just to keep you safe.
Ray 
I think I can take care of myself.
Ben
Yeah I've seen how you hand your self but I think I'll still put storm troopers around you for the sake of my nerves.
Ray
Awww i didn't think of you as such a softy.
Ray says as a shy little smile crosses across her lips.
Ben
I.. I'm not... I just want to assure your safety.
Ray
Okay....
Ray knowing thats just a cover up for him showing good emotions. Looking around the room notices there is a window with a large view of space. She walks over to the window and looks out at the stars. Ben standing behind her is looking at her as she looks out at space.
Ben
Hmmm... She truly is so beautiful. She knows that I am attracted to her, and that is unnerving. I felt violated when she was inside my head but also relived that she knew what I thought about her. Relieved that she could see what i was thinking so that I didn't have to hide it from her. But I still don't know what she thinks about me. I mean I have an idea from what happened earlier... the ... kiss... so much passion its hard to deny that she felt what I did. 
Ray turns around to meet his gaze. Ben feeling confident, walks over to Ray grabs her face with both his hands and raises her face to his and recaptures the kiss that had been broken all to soon earlier. Soon the kiss got even deeper. Ray pulled away slightly just enough so she could speak.
Ray 
What are we doing?
Ben
I have no idea but I don't care all I know is I want you and that's enough for me.
Ben pushed his face forward recapturing the kiss. He had no idea what he was doing cause he had never felt like this before, neither did Ray. All they could feel was a sharp feeling welling up in there chests. It wasn't painful but it was strong and they both felt it. Passion. Lust. Love. It was all they could do to not explode from the inside. The cloth on Rays shoulder had started to fall, when Ben unbuckled her belt the rest of the fabric fell to the floor. Letting the under shirt loose, Ben lifted the shirt to reveal her gorgeously toned body. He steps back to admire the view and she pounces. Snapping his belt off but impressively not breaking it. Ben took the long tunic like shirt off  but still having the under shirt and pants on took those off as well. Ben now standing in front of Ray naked felt exposed and a bit nervous. neither one of them had seen anyone else naked ever in there lives. This was a first for both. Both lost souls finding another soul that fits perfectly together. The heat in the room had felt like it had just risen 20 degrees. Both panting, neither one moving because neither one knew what to do next. Ben had read about it in books but never really knew what it felt like. So Ben being the one with at least a little bit of knowledge step forward breaking the space between them. Took Ray into his arms and carried her to bed that was in the far corner of the room. He laid her down on the bed, Ray felt safe in knowing that he knew what he was doing, she looked up at Ben's face and as they gaze into each others eyes Ben inserts himself inside her and she screams, not knowing what to do with this alien feeling inside her.
Ben
DID I HURT YOU?
Ray 
No, keep going.
Knowing she was okay Ben started to move, back and fourth, back and fourth, his erection growing with every move. Ray getting wetter and wetter with him inside her. Ben bent over and put his arms on either side of Rays body, so that he was equal to her and so he could see the effect he was having on her. Ben slowly pulling out of her and then slammed all of his large erection inside her. Ben kissed her tasting every scream every moan. As Ben increased his speed Ray started to tighten around him. Ben also had a feeling welling up inside that felt like soon was going to explode. Ben increased his speed again this time slamming in to her with every stroke. That faster he went the tighter she got around his hard throbbing cock, and the tighter she got the more confident Ben got. Rays back started to arch and she was almost there and than slam. Ben slammed into her one last time, as he poured him self into her she was climaxing around him they moans louder than any thing Ben had every heard. he felt like someone would be able to hear her but he didn't care. They had just came together. Rays moans died down and had fallen into just whimpers and Ben collapsed on top of her, they both closed there eyes and had fallen asleep.

Star Wars Fan fiction

Star Wars...

The Force Awakens fan fiction

Pre-warning: if you haven't seen the movie all ready there are spoilers in this story. And if you don't know all ready this is just my story about the relationship between Kylo-Ren or Ben as he will be referred to as in this and Ray. This is not an actual thing in the movie I just came up with this in my head.. it will veer off of the path of the movie and go to my story so this will not be the movie... This is a fanfic.

Ben
I have heard so much about this mysterious girl. She can fly a freighter and she can disable many of my guards. I want to meet her. She sound amazing.... How can I meet her. She is with the resistance and wants me dead. Maybe I can persuade her to the dark. Then maybe I could talk to her. But I must first find her.

A second commander came in to inform Ben that the droid and the two fugitives were spotted at a watering hole with Han Solo. Ben told him to head there and he will find the droid and the two fugitives there.

When they get to the watering hole Ben send all the troopers out to find the droid and the fugitives and bring them to the ship. A storm trooper finds Rey and BB8 and inform Ben of there location. Ben finds Rey.

Ben
I found her. I found this mysterious girl every one has told me so much about. I must see what she knows.

Ben uses the force to see inside her head and figures out that she had seen the map. and figures is doesn't need the BB unit if he has her. So he knocks her out with the force and carries her to the ship. were he puts her in restraints and deliverers her back to his ship. There he will interrogate her and find out what she knows.

He gets her into a holding sell in the restraints on her hands and her feet. Still knocked out Ben sits and waits for her to wake up.

Ben
She is so beautiful. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I don't want to wake her she so peaceful when she is sleeping and not trying to kill me. As I kneel here I can see a piece of hair that has fallen from here top bun and is touching her face just enough that is looks like it was intentional. Her full lips are parted just enough so that I can see a little bit of her perfect teeth. I love the way her lips slightly move in her sleep just as though she is talking to someone. Her skin is perfect. flawless and it makes be wonder if the rest of here is like that.

Rey eyes flutter open and she momentarily is disoriented and confused on where she is. She looks down at a creature staring at her in a black suit with a mask with scars all over it like they had been to hell and back.

Ray
Where am I?
Ben
Your my guest. You mean the murders, traiders and theives. youll be realived to here i have no idea.You still wanna kill me.
Ray
That happens when your being hunted by a creature in a mask.

Ben takes his helmet off and sees that she is even more radiant when he can see all of her at once without the helmet on.

Ray
Wow.  He is surprisingly cute. I have never seen anyone quite as attractive as him before. What? Why am i feeling this. 

Ben
Tell about the droid.
Ray 
He's a BB unit with a thermohyper drive and a hyposkam idicador.
Ben
Its carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest but we need the last piece and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You.. A scavenger... You know I can take what ever i want.

Ben uses the force and gets inside her head.
Ben
Why so lonely, so afraid to leave. At night desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean. I see it, I see the Island. And Han Solo, you feel like hes the father you never had. He would've disappointed you.
Ray
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Ben 
I know you've seen the map. Its in there and you'll give it to me.
Ben ventures deeper inside her mind to find the map.
Ben
Don't be afraid i feel it to.
Ray 
Im not giving you anything.
Ben
We'll see.
Ben pushes even farther into her mind and sees nothing. He keeps pushing and pushing but then starts to be pushed back out, Rey push him out of he head and straight into his. She can feel his pain, his fear.
Ray
You... Your afraid... That you won't be as strong as darth vader.
Ray could feel all his feelings. She could see his thoughts. She could feel something strong. something over whelming, to the point that Ben broke the connection. Rey didn't know what she had just done. She didn't know what she was feeling. She felt a strong pull. a strong pull to him.
Ben felt violated. He was the one to always get inside someones head not the other way around. She has the force. He felt the force strong inside her. He felt he could teach her the ways of the force. He knew he could keep her here against her will, but it would be easier for her to stay here of her own accord. Ben felt attracted to Rey. He could feel her attraction to him as well. Ben tries to get back inside of her head again. He brings up his hand and pulls his face close to hers, at first she resists. Ben:
Don't resist. I'm not going to hurt you i just want to show you something
He shows her his thoughts and how he imagines her, powerful, standing next to him, with armys behind them. Her being the queen and Ben as the king and the leader of the order. Rey then pulls her face away slightly.
Ray
Now i want to show you something.
Ray turns her face to his and throws an image of Him and her Standing on an island, together, hand in hand. Than shows him images of them sitting in a window looking up at that stars off of a green planet. And then shows him an image of them kissing.
Ben then pushed his face towards hers unknowingly then with in a second they are thrown out of those images and Ben looks deep into Reys eyes. touches her face and caresses her cheek. She leans her face into his caress he pulls her face to his. As there lips touch they are lost.

The Firefighters Daughter

Now living in Ohio I don't have a fear of having my father die on duty but when I do get that feeling it hits like a freight train. I sometimes have dreams of me being at work and my sister coming up to me or having my boss come up to me with that face, The face of "something has happened" most people know that face, the feeling of your heart dropping. The feeling of the earth falling beneath your feet. Its a feeling that I hate. I have never had the feeling that causes me to fall to my knees and cry. Or not being able to move because I'm in shock. Even when 9/11 happened I was freaking out I was following my mom around the house with a box of tissues because my mom was crying because my dad was leaving. My dad was a first responder on the Pennsylvania site on 9/11.
I was 5 then so I didn't know what was going on. I am afraid of that feeling. The feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm consistently afraid of me feeling that feeling.  I fear the pain. I'm afraid something huge might happen later on when I join MDMS or FEMA or DMAT and my dads gonna be there I am the one that has to save him or I am there saving other peoples lives until someone comes up to me and I ask " What is it? What's wrong?" there looking at me with "that look" and I know. I know something has happened. They look at me and say " its your dad." I ask someone to cover me and I run. I have to find him. I have to see him. I know I'm going into something I don't want to see but I don't care because I have to see him. I ask the person who told me " where is he?" they reply with were he is and in this dream he's in the med tent down the way and hes hurt badly. I run. I run so fast my feet don't even touch the ground for more then a second, and when I get there they all look at me with that look. I drop to the ground as I see them helping my dad with his injuries, and I  am crying.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. But that got me thinking. Thinking about how that could happen and how I know I am going to marry a man who is exactly like my dad and I am going to experience that feeling in one way or an other. And is sparked something in my head, and it was me at home, living in inner city Chicago and feeding a baby, my baby, watching the news and it being about a fire and how my husbands fire department was on call. It was an apartment complex that the three top floors had been taken over by fire. I knew that he had done fires like this before and I thought to myself "everything's going to be alright, he's done it a million times before." I feel so overwhelmed that I shut he TV off. Firefighters shifts are 24 hours long. So I know I would see him tomorrow. So I put the baby to bed and sit and read and then my dream skips to late at night and I'm doing dishes and there is a car door slam. I wonder, who is outside, probably neighbors. Then I hear a knock on my door. I start walking to the door and I can see the battalion chiefs vehicle out front and I know. I open the door he's standing there with that look. I had seen it before, I know it all to well. He hands me my husbands helmet. And says to me, Mrs. Selmon its about your husband. May I come  in." I usher him inside and he tells he about how my husband was a in the apartment building when the floor collapsed below him and how they tried to get him out but by the time they had gotten to him it was to late. The Chief told me that my he said to tell me he loved my very much and that he wants out baby to grow up knowing that his dad was a hero. Chief hands me his helmet. And I cant hold back the tears any longer I fall off my chair and start to sob. Chief holds me around my shoulders as I sob. I kept telling myself its not true, but I felt so real.
I know how firefighter funerals go. I have been to many. but this one was different, instead of me comforting the grieving widow, I am the grieving widow. And its hard. Its hard sit there and have people say I'm sorry for your lose over and over again and cry for so long and infront of so many people that eventually you stop crying because one your out of tears and two it hurts to much and it has made you tired. So you just sit there in silence and politely thank people for there condolences. Then the hardest part of the firefighters funeral is the bells... The fire station rings a bell for every year of service. So during these bells you sit there in complete silence and try not to cry but being the widow your expected to cry and no one would question who is crying because they all know. So you sit there and with every bell more tears flow and flow and they feel like they will never stop. But when the final bell rings that's when all the pain, all the sorrow, everything that has been there since he died flows freely because that's it. that's all the years he was there, that's all the time he spent working that's all the love that he had for his job. That's all folks. All of the pain in one... ring...

I'm just glad this hasn't happened to me yet with both my dad and my future husband. But I am dreading the day that the little yellow or blue and white car pulls up out side my house. I know it will. The problem now is when...

SHOUTY CAPITALS

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT....
 Sorry about that I just wanted to get that out of the way, but hey it got your attention. Im tired. I am a new adult, is what i like to call it, because well I'm young and I now have resposibilitys im in college and i have to budget and all that stuff. Which I'm fine with I just find it tiring. I work all the time. I do school all the time and the short time i spend with my friends is limited and never as fun as we plan it out to be. We expect that we are going out and having fun but what we do is hang around and do nothing because non of us have gas or we all to tired. I am now just tired.
 I have found a love of books I see a movie, love it, and then read the book on it. I am addicted.  i consistently read. i try and finish a book so i can read the next one in the series. I have read the entire Fifty shades series and not im on the last book. The new one.... Grey.  E. L. James needs to write the rest of the series in Christen Grey perspective. ITS SO GOOD. I love it. It may sound a little but much but I'm going as Anastasia for Halloween. In the second book Fifty Shades Darker Christen takes her to his parents benefit ball for Coping Together, his parents charity to help families who have adopted children from bad homes cope along with the children, like Christen and his family. In the book Anastasia gets a silver dress with a silver and grey lace mask from christen and wheres that to the ball. I am toning that down just a little bit and wearing a silver lacy blouse with the silver and black lace mask and I have a long brown hair wig that I am wearing. I think its going to be very pretty, but I am trying to deside whether to where heals and skinny jeans or high tops and skinny jeans, I do have silver sparkle vans that I wore to prom, I think I'll wear those.

Anxiety and Depression

I was skimming through Facebook like I always do and I see an article on anxiety and depression. I decide not to click on it cause its probably just an article to raise awareness. And I know there's going to be some articles that say that and all the things that go with that the thing is, I scroll past it and see three more articles saying something about this. And I know that we need to raise awareness and I agree with all the articles on anxiety and depression. but the thing that gets me is I suffer from anxiety and depression and these articles that are supposed to make us feel like we are not alone just make us feel worse. As I read these articles about it I feel yes you know what I'm feeling and that's cool and all but the anxiety makes it so that when I see so many things about me or about things that involve me I feel more alone then I should. Honestly I feel like if you raise awareness more and more people will come forward and say "hey I have that" and some of them have no idea what an anxiety attack is. Some of them have no idea how it feels to be standing in a room full of your closest friends or relatives and feel nothing, empty, and like you don't belong. Honestly, and I may sound paranoid by saying this, I feel that the more aware people become the more there self actualized theory comes true.

These people that go on to WebMD to see what this red mark is on there arm and see that is might be sickle cell disease and then freak out and go to the doctor and he says It not and that its just a scratch. these people that go on to Facebook see these articles on anxiety and depression and read them and thing " Oh My God I'm depressed and I have anxiety about being depressed" and then go on to there social media and comment about having anxiety and depression. When in reality they have nothing there just paranoid and have nothing better to do then sit at there computer all day and complain about there life.

If they really did have anxiety then they would be to afraid to say anything for they feel of someone making fun of them or telling them that they complain to much.

People with anxiety and depression both together suffer from the strangest of feelings. We feel sad but at the same time we are afraid to cry for fear someone might see. we are frustrated but at the same time we don't want to do anything for fear someone would say we are over reacting. when we have anxiety attacks people try and play it off as if we do it all the time. I have seizers which are manifested anxiety attacks I have prolonged happening for fear some one would play it off as a freak episode. and even when I started having seizers I went to the hospital the doctor took one look at my file and saw the word anxiety and automatically thought I was faking or that I could control it. He stood by my bed side and watched me have a seizer and stood there looking at me, did nothing and just kept saying " you can stop now, you can stop now, " this happened over a year ago and to this day it still angers me.

So next time you, who is faking anxiety to get attention, complain about your anxiety level and how depressed you are. think of this I have suffered for 15 years with anxiety and 2 years with depression, no medication can help me and almost everyone thinks if faking. you don't know what it feels like to have the feeling if spiders crawling all over your body, your heart beat rising to the point you almost burst, so you crawl into the fetal position to prevent you self from exploding. and you sit there crying your eyes out for several minutes or until you regain what little hold you have on yourself. Next time you complain about your "Anxiety level" remember this. you don't know anxiety. We do, and most of us feel nothing anymore.

religan in its finest form

So I find myself questioning something. Even though I often question if god even exists to begin with but I do find myself questioning if he does exist I sometimes think that we could be seeing him everyday. We could have met him and we didn't even know it. I'm going to quote a famous song "what if god was one of us?" He could be a homeless person trying to see if people are generous enough to give him or her spare change. Or she could be a politician trying to see who will follow her on blind faith. Or even a pastor preaching her words of wisdom upon us. she could be anyone and we would be none the wiser. She could be anyone.

I watch super natural so I have a pretty screwed up view on religion. In supernatural the angel Castile becomes God at one point. But he doesn't change like being possessed does to a person. He simply knows that he has all gods powers. So this makes my wonder. Could god do that. Could she give up her powers to a mortal like in "Bruce all mighty" could God be a human. God could be living in a crappy apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan and be a bar tender the local bar. My question is how could a God look at our world that he so called " created" and see all the things that go on. All the wars over stupid imaginary lines and people getting killed everyday over the color of there skin or the people they choose to love. How could a God look at this world and not fix it with a wave of his have? If I had the ability to change the world and make everyone love each other and not fight I would.  What I don't understand is that people are hating other people and killing other people over a book that they say says that they should be killed or hated.

If you are hating someone or killing people based on your religion than you are doing it wrong.

I lived a day in someone elses shows and I tell you it was an eye opener. I lived 24 hours wearing a hijab. Being in a hijab taught me how to ignore what people think, but it also taught me to notice it. I live in a vey controversial area where we don't take kindly to outsiders, and me wearing a hijab raised some red flags. People looked at me strange and people would openly stare and look at me. I honestly looked like they were silently condemning me. I actually walked into a restaurant and a man blatantly looked at me and then did a double take to make sure he knew what he was seeing. I had many stares and some people walked into a restaurant I was in and took one look at me turned around and walk out saying under there breath "I'm not going to risk sitting in a restaurant with a Muslim." honestly the nerve of some people.

Although I may have chosen an inopportune time to do this social experiment. I did my experiment the day before and a little bit the day of 9/11. So I may have bad timing but the experiment held true.

There are fangirls everywhere

so I was taking a walk through the hospital and I pass a girl with pink hair and she complemented my shirt.

That got me thinking the only way for other members of our kind can know that we are here is by wearing the colors of out people. lol. but when we have to look like hobo geeks , or have pink hair, where black and watch Netflix all day. for guys to realize that we are truly geeks. What the actual fuck.

Im a real fan girl, I where superman underwear, I wear normal makeup but I don't where it all the time. you don't have to be  a compleat geek for me to be a fangirl. I don't have to be a pretty girl. what I have to be is me and if that means I watch Netflix and drink starubcks, but I also like to be a geek and go to cons and blog when I want to. I am a typical geek white girl.

UPDATE:

UPDATE: So my family is pretty good right now, I'm fine the only thing I really want to talk to you about is the who moments leading up to the death thing. I know I have gone over this before but this time its slightly different. I stopped being able to feel.
     The last time I wrote something like this I was sad and now I don't feel anything. If I am about to feel an emotion like sadness or anger my emotions shut off. I go numb. I can't express to you enough that I am dead inside and I don't know what I can do about it. Now that I can write something and not feel anything. This might be a bit boring or sad. I can't tell.
     The moments leading up to a death that is like a cancer or a major illness of some sort are the saddest moment of some peoples lives. And the scariest of the person who dying. Some have no idea that they are dying like people with dementia. There is a song about that its "I'm not gonna miss you" I can't remember who sang it (kind of Ironic) but it perfectly embodies what Dementia is and feels like. When you have no idea what's going on and you don't care because you have no idea that you have no idea. kind of funny when you think about it but also sad, because all the people around you feel so sad because they know your dying and you have no clue. Your brain is deteriorating and you just know that, the sky is pretty and there is people around you. you don't know who they are, you don't know where you know them from but you know that they care about you.  The Notebook is a perfect representation also. She has no idea who that story is about, all she knows is its beautiful and she recognizes it a little but them forgets everything at they end of the day.

     Now the people that know they are dying are scared shitless because they know the end is near and they sometimes try there hardest to stop it at all costs. And those who know and also know that they cant stop it get scared more and more each day until there time comes. My uncle just had a stroke and I know he wont admit it but he's scared. He's scared that the stoke may be the thing that kills him and most of all he's scared he will have to become fully dependent upon someone else.
Do you know what the greatest fear of most Americans is dependence. That's why most people think there afraid of death, they are afraid of the moments leading up to death.

my fantacy of people

     So today was my favorite guy coworkers last day with us at work, he quit to go away to school. and I have, for a while, had a I guess you could way crush of him. So I do this thing that is I imagine situations that are what I call realistic but hardly possible. which are situations that are completely out of the box but realistic in nature. And for him I would think of things he would say if he liked me as much as I like him. Well I knew that every time I spoke to him or said hello he would smile this little shy smile and I took that as he may just like me as a  friend or just a passing face. But in my fantasy's we were more then just passing faces, we were friends that talked more then when we saw each other in passing.
      When he left today, I started thinking of things he might do after he left like last goodbyes, last things he wanted to do before he left, or that he might do. I heard him over the radio saying goodbye to his carry out friends, so I waved at him as he walked to his car and yelled goodbye. Then I imagined he would get in his car and start to pull out than realize something then pull into the loading zone and run up to my door and I would look at him and say " forget something?" he would look me in the eyes and say " no I didn't forget anything I just need to do something." I ask him " what is so important it couldn't wait for tomorrow?" he leans in towards my face, looks deep in to my eyes and says " you." then continues to lean in and then proceeds to  kiss me.
      My fantasies usually end there. There is an other guy at my work that does this thing where when I am just standing doing my job he will look at my with " the look," you know the look. The look of utter adoration. The look that says that he is thinking " wow she is beautiful, she has to be mine." the only thing is, he won't do anything and I think that means that the look that he gives me doesn't mean anything. I was told that the man who gives you the look is someone who is worth being with. Someone who truly loves you. And the only thing is he hasn't done anything to make me think that he thinks that way about me besides every time I see him he is giving me that look. I don't know.

Just a kiss

I guess Im a hopeless romantic or maybe just a teenager but I am a girl. Im a girl that has only been kissed twice. By the same guy. And i would like to be kissed again by someone else at least. Is that to much to ask. I am fucking 18 years old about to turn 19 and i have only been kissed by one man. Is that good or bad. I dont know all i know is that i want ro be kissed. I want a kiss that makes you forget whats going on for tjat time frame. I want a guy to suprise me by turning my head grabbing my face and pulling my lips to his. I want a kiss to be like we get so lost in the kiss whem we realize we are kissing he pulls away for fear that if he keeps kissing me he won't be able to stop. That moment that you think no one is watching and you want to hold on to that moment forever. But you cant so you stop because if you don't stop them you never will. I want someone to look at me and be mesmorized my my mouth so much that they cant wait to kiss me agian.
I want a kiss that when you think about it you cant help but smile. I want that kind of kiss. No thinking about what happens next no risking it just to see what happens. I want it just to be a kiss. A kiss that lasts for a life time.

so I just now watched the season finale of Stitchers. mmmmm ooooooo that made me cry so hard. I don't think I could do that. noooooo. there is no cool.
 for those of you who havet seen it prepare for soooooo many spoilers.
First I would like to point out that the whole Camrons not in love with her crap, the thing he told the reporter in the interview about how Camron feels more protective of her then love. BULLSHIT!!!!!! The whole end of the show was to show what Camron thought about all the time and all the most powerful memories where of her. Like it or not creators Camron loves her and she knows one of the few emotions she feels is for him. and its looooooovvvvve. when cam died I died with him for 4 minutes I was in so much pain from the death that at the cliff hanger at the end I cried so hard.
the fact that the reason Kirsten has the disorder she has is because her father and her wanted to bring her mother back to life from a coma. wow. just wow.
is that what the stitchers program was originally designed to do. to bring people out of comas or frankenstin give life to an otherwise contiousless body. they want to bring the death back to life.
wow.

So im gonna rant right now. so yeah. I have been doing online schooling for a like 2 months now and the school originally told me that I could just take a test and test out of the courses that I had already taken. well that wasn't true I have to go through 9 months of school work in a 2 month time spand and to top that off I have to work. So today I went to log on and with the progress I had they failed me and I hadn't even finish the courses. yeah and I cant even start the next courses until September and the school said I would be done with this school in October. so lets do some math. I started these courses in May. they told me I would be don't In October. the courses had all ready started by the time I logged on for the first time. so I was already 3 months behind. and the fisr semester ended July 12th. they told me I would be done in 6 months. I cant even so anything cause It won't grade it if I do sense the first semester is over and the second semester wont start intill septemer. how am I supposed to do anything and finish high school if I can even access it and finish in a timely fashion or in the time frame they said I had. What the Fuck.

the is so stupid

Stitches part 3

Skipping forward to towards the most resent episode of Stitchers so this is going to be at the point where Kristen is accusing Cam of giving out government information, in his apartment,  at 3 o'clock in the morning. In Kirsten's point of view.
I am knocking on his door so hard I think the hole block may here it but I don't care because this is a matter of ergency. He opens the door looking disheveled and oddly wearing glasses.  That's kind if cute.  I start to tell him what I found on the disc and explaining to him why I believe he is part of the nit  group of people the had access to that information.  As he walks over to his bed room and starts to grab his phone and sits on his bed. He stares at me with a look in his eyes that i don't recognize. He just looks up at me through his adorable glasses and that look does nothing but makes me smile. He tilts his head as if in confusion and says "what are you smiling about?" I look at the ground and try to hide my blush. Can stands up so he's flush with me and grabsy chin with his index finger to bring my head up to look in to his eyes. He starts to talk "okay I know I didn't leak the code, I don't know who did, but what I do know is even at three in the morning you are perfect." Being this close to him I can smell his intoxicating scent. He smells of Amber wood, toothpaste,  and Granny Smith apples.  Mmmmmm his scent reminds me of a orchard I went to once when I was a kid.  Before I can catch it a tear is falling down my cheek. Camron catches it when is gallstone my chin With a puzzled look on his face.  He says "why are you crying?" I tear away from his gaze. He pulls my head back and says " hey why's ever it is you can talk to me. You know tell me  right? " I nod in response he says with that look in his eye "good now what is it? " I shake my head and say " I was just remembering something. " he wraps his arms around me and pulls me in to his chest. My arms are the only thing in-between us. I can feel that scare on his chest.  I run my hand over it as he looks at me. I want to ask him so bad what it is but I stop myself before I do something that might take away from the emotion I feel.  I recognize this emotion from a previous stitch. I think from the first stich maybe Just maybe. It's not hate, not sadness,  not overwhelming happiness but something different. I don't need him but I do want to stay in his arms for ever.  He brings his arms up towards my shoulder and encircles me even more. He says to me "remember no matter where we are.  No matter what you are doing. Remember I will always be there for you to protect you." those words resonate through my mind and make me feel warm and comforted. I lift my head up to see his eye underneath those dorky glasses. I pull them off of him.  And bring my lips up to meet his.  I get almost there when I stop as if asking for his permission. He takes that chance and enraptures my  mouth with every ounce of his being.  I return the emotion because only him. Only Camron can bring this emotion out of me. I still have no idea what this emotion is but I don't care. I deepen the kiss. His tongue makes its way around my mouth like it belongs there.  His hands fist in my hair and ever so lightly tug. It doesn't hurt but it was hard enough so that he is in complete control of my head. Oh my gosh.  What is this feeling? I pull my self away reluctantly and push off.   He looks at me shocked. "what the? " he says.  "I don't know  how to deal with this. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't know how to deal with all this emotion. I have never felt like this with out it coming from someone else." Cam walks up to me and says " well maybe this feeling is coming from someone else but the difference is that this feeling isn't machine generated." I node and agree. and then he continues with " so I can help you go through this feeling cause I have it to, the only thing is, I've never felt this way before either. So we are experianceing the same emotion at the same time. Soooooo." he smiles at me and that giddy smile gets me everytime and I just melt.

I realized something after coming out of my doctors office today.  He said I minimize things in my stress. And don't speak things out. Well that's true I make my self actually think that the things I'm dealing with are smaller than they are.  I feel like I'm just a pebble in the earth, that there are 3.6 zillion more people on the earth that have more problems that I do and mine are not important compared to there's.  And I feel like if I try and fix myself over the world then that would be selfish.  And that's why I have the problems I do.  Cause is express myself in anyway I would be told oh I'm just complaining and being a wimp when in reality I'm just letting all the stuff that I acumulated over time out on just spilled milk.  Like that fact that I thought someone I liked was gay.  That thought almost made me cry.  Now it's reasons like this is why I just say all of this ony blog because if I said anything like this on facebook or tumblr people would complain and have to give there two since worth.

dealing with death

So today I got off of work and I get into my moms car.  She starts  driving and we're talking about what to cook for dinner.  We're driving to Walmart and my mom says to me your grandpa's in the hospital. And I figured oh well he was supposed to be informed the hospital because he has a surgery coming up anyways. So they just brought him in early. We no. She continues to say that they found a mass on his brain. Well that is scary Because they don't know what it is or if it's life threatening or not.
          That got me thinking. Well I had heard once that death isn't the worsed part of the passing of a loved one.  It's the moments leading up to the death that's hard. And dealing with the fact that they are going to or have already passed. And this is true. At least in my experience. I have watched so many people try and keep loved ones alive and making there lives better when they are just trying to  cope with the inevitable fact that the loved one died or is dying. My uncle Was sleeping next to his wife when she had fallen out of bed and fractured her skull.  What he did is he called 911 and when he called everyone to tell then she was dying he told them she was already dead. Because he was keeping her on a ventalater  until he could tell her goodbye.
Even in her last moments of life he still considered her dead because it was easier to cope that way.  My mom is now coping with the fact that my grandpa may die soon.  And all though this is hard to say.  So am I. My grandpa is scared. I have never seen him cry Until fathers day this year when he told my mom he was going in for surgery. He has been diagnosed with P. A. D. and that means his blood clots up all the time and he has to have lots is surgery. But when my mom got that call from my grandma that my Grandpa had a mass on his brain She was about in tears. Having cancer can be hard to deal with. And to be the loved one that has to cope is hard but being to one who has cancer is even harder.  Now you have to live through all these pain and every thing that goes with cancer. Now the loved one that's copping now they have to prepare for lifting with of them.

I'm gonna ask a question. Would you rather know that someone is dying months ahead of time and have to wait for the day they die or would you rather them die suddenly?
Most people would choose the first one because then took can tell them all got want to say before. I think I would choose... Well I would choose the second one. Because instead of knowing someone's going to die and handing to deal with the suffering. I want to just deal with the aftermath. Because then I can cope.  Then I can dwell for sure couple months and move on.  Rather than having weeks, months, maybe even years worth of waiting and just siting being helpless.  Yeah I would rather that.
Well I'm done for today night

Stitchers fan-fiction Part 2: After the Bomb

Here's an other fan-fiction for Stitchers cause I couldn't just leave it there and it seemed to be popular for my stand point. So here's a continuation from the last one.


                     After leaving the science building at UC Sana monica, and after being stopped by the cop Mr. Tightass me and Camron got driven back to the lab by Maggie and her henchmen. We get in the car and I sit next to the window of the black Sedan in the back seat and Camron sits in the seat next to by the other window. We are sitting there waiting for the inevitable riot act from Maggie but she gets in and doesn't even look at us she just sits in the seat in front of me very tense. I'm sitting there I decide to look out the window case what else do you do in a car that is awkwardly silent, I look out the window and start to day dream. Actually day dream, and  I think  about how Camron wouldn't leave when I told him to leave. He was so scared and he wouldn't leave with out me... how interesting, what does that mean? that got me thinking about the elevator earlier and how he gave me an ounce of emotion so easily, and with just a kiss.

                      I wake out of my day dream when I feel someone grab my hand my first instinct was to pull away but when I see that Camron is the one who grabbed my hand I relax and look into his puppy do eyes. He looks at me and mouths the words "are you okay?" I nod yes and squeeze his hand briefly to reasher him that I am. He looks at me and  nodes back with a smile. we return to our looking out opposite windows and I do notice Maggie look back and see we are holding hands and than turns her head back with a smile.