I realized something after coming out of my doctors office today.  He said I minimize things in my stress. And don't speak things out. Well that's true I make my self actually think that the things I'm dealing with are smaller than they are.  I feel like I'm just a pebble in the earth, that there are 3.6 zillion more people on the earth that have more problems that I do and mine are not important compared to there's.  And I feel like if I try and fix myself over the world then that would be selfish.  And that's why I have the problems I do.  Cause is express myself in anyway I would be told oh I'm just complaining and being a wimp when in reality I'm just letting all the stuff that I acumulated over time out on just spilled milk.  Like that fact that I thought someone I liked was gay.  That thought almost made me cry.  Now it's reasons like this is why I just say all of this ony blog because if I said anything like this on facebook or tumblr people would complain and have to give there two since worth.

dealing with death

So today I got off of work and I get into my moms car.  She starts  driving and we're talking about what to cook for dinner.  We're driving to Walmart and my mom says to me your grandpa's in the hospital. And I figured oh well he was supposed to be informed the hospital because he has a surgery coming up anyways. So they just brought him in early. We no. She continues to say that they found a mass on his brain. Well that is scary Because they don't know what it is or if it's life threatening or not.
          That got me thinking. Well I had heard once that death isn't the worsed part of the passing of a loved one.  It's the moments leading up to the death that's hard. And dealing with the fact that they are going to or have already passed. And this is true. At least in my experience. I have watched so many people try and keep loved ones alive and making there lives better when they are just trying to  cope with the inevitable fact that the loved one died or is dying. My uncle Was sleeping next to his wife when she had fallen out of bed and fractured her skull.  What he did is he called 911 and when he called everyone to tell then she was dying he told them she was already dead. Because he was keeping her on a ventalater  until he could tell her goodbye.
Even in her last moments of life he still considered her dead because it was easier to cope that way.  My mom is now coping with the fact that my grandpa may die soon.  And all though this is hard to say.  So am I. My grandpa is scared. I have never seen him cry Until fathers day this year when he told my mom he was going in for surgery. He has been diagnosed with P. A. D. and that means his blood clots up all the time and he has to have lots is surgery. But when my mom got that call from my grandma that my Grandpa had a mass on his brain She was about in tears. Having cancer can be hard to deal with. And to be the loved one that has to cope is hard but being to one who has cancer is even harder.  Now you have to live through all these pain and every thing that goes with cancer. Now the loved one that's copping now they have to prepare for lifting with of them.

I'm gonna ask a question. Would you rather know that someone is dying months ahead of time and have to wait for the day they die or would you rather them die suddenly?
Most people would choose the first one because then took can tell them all got want to say before. I think I would choose... Well I would choose the second one. Because instead of knowing someone's going to die and handing to deal with the suffering. I want to just deal with the aftermath. Because then I can cope.  Then I can dwell for sure couple months and move on.  Rather than having weeks, months, maybe even years worth of waiting and just siting being helpless.  Yeah I would rather that.
Well I'm done for today night

Stitchers fan-fiction Part 2: After the Bomb

Here's an other fan-fiction for Stitchers cause I couldn't just leave it there and it seemed to be popular for my stand point. So here's a continuation from the last one.


                     After leaving the science building at UC Sana monica, and after being stopped by the cop Mr. Tightass me and Camron got driven back to the lab by Maggie and her henchmen. We get in the car and I sit next to the window of the black Sedan in the back seat and Camron sits in the seat next to by the other window. We are sitting there waiting for the inevitable riot act from Maggie but she gets in and doesn't even look at us she just sits in the seat in front of me very tense. I'm sitting there I decide to look out the window case what else do you do in a car that is awkwardly silent, I look out the window and start to day dream. Actually day dream, and  I think  about how Camron wouldn't leave when I told him to leave. He was so scared and he wouldn't leave with out me... how interesting, what does that mean? that got me thinking about the elevator earlier and how he gave me an ounce of emotion so easily, and with just a kiss.

                      I wake out of my day dream when I feel someone grab my hand my first instinct was to pull away but when I see that Camron is the one who grabbed my hand I relax and look into his puppy do eyes. He looks at me and mouths the words "are you okay?" I nod yes and squeeze his hand briefly to reasher him that I am. He looks at me and  nodes back with a smile. we return to our looking out opposite windows and I do notice Maggie look back and see we are holding hands and than turns her head back with a smile.

                     

So for this post I'm going to try something that I haven't done before. I'm going to write some fan-fiction. This particular fan-fiction with be based off the brand new TV show Stitchers. If you have seen the first episode you automatically have a pairing of the lab geek Camron and the main character Kirsten. Kirsten has a condition called temporal dysplasia, where the person has no time perception and can't tell if they have being doing something for 1 hour or 1 minute. the TV show Stitchers is based where Kirsten has her consciousness inserted into a dead persons brain to experiance to events leading up to that persons death. Here goes

After getting out of Maggie's office I walked to the elevator to start my search for the blue door on Sepovita Bolivard. I get in the elevator, the doors start to close and than a hand pops up in the door and its Camron. Ugh, really she sent him to go after me. Well he better stay out of my way. He gets in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. I start to talk "If your here to stop me, than you wasted your energy, because I'm not budging." his reply is surprising "I'm not here to stop you, contrary to what Maggie thinks, im just here to make sure you don't die or injure your self enough that you can't participate in the program. That's all." I am happy with his response and I reply with " well thank you I guess." Now we are standing in the elevator in silence  I look at the screen on the side of the door and we still have a hundred and twenty-six more floors to go. Ugh. Camron broke the silence with " so you said that you may have experienced love in the stich. Is that what you were feeling when you kissed me after?" I am taken aback by his audacity.  I reply with " I don't know what I was feeling after the stich. All I knew was I was really affected." He says " well okay than, I'd like to do an experiment to see if you do in fact have feelings in that head of yours." that's intriguing, I don't know how he would do that. I have had some serious feelings in the past few days what on earth could he possibly try to recreate those feelings. I come back with " what could you possibly do to evoke feelings, from me." He looks at me with a quizzical look n his face and than says " simple we can try to recreate some of the events you encountered in the stich and attach them to feelings you have over feelings the bomber guy had." hum. that sound legitimate enough. I reply with " okay go for it."

Camron turns twords me so that we are face to face and raises his hand so it is resting on my cheek. He runs his hand through my hair, which evokes a strange feeling, a feeling of weightlessness, and it feels like there is a pain of some sort that is in my gut, but it doesn't hurt. He leans his head down so his lips meet mine. He's holding my head with his large hand fisting in my hair as he snakes his other hand to the small of my back. I grab his sholders to make sure that I can still stand up because this felling that I have. its like nothing I have ever felt before, well I think its the only emotion that I have actually felt. His tounge invades my mouth with so much power that its hard to keep up. Before I know it he has backed me up against the elevator wall holding me there with his hip. I am captured in his mouth. Him pushing against me with every part of him. But then all of the sudden he stopped. And we both are left panting. Now we are just standing there me still entrapped by him pressed against me. He looks at me in the eyes and says " did that make you feel anything?" I start to laugh even with my breathless tone " yeah. You could say I felt something." We both giggle as the doors of the elevator finally open. Camron grabs my hand and leads me out and says " so ill give you a choice, we can go look for blue doors on Sepovida, or we can finish that experiment, I know what I want to do the question is is what do you want to do." I look at him and I know the right answer for him and I know the right answer for the case. So I actually find myself contemplating the answer. I know my gut tells me to, well all of me is telling me to go with the "experiment" but I know what I should really do is finish the case, so I say "well I know what I want to do is finish the experiment. But we really have to finish the case." He looks at me with understanding eyes and says " so you did feel something. I can see by the fact that your smiling non-stop and the fact that you had to think about it. I guess we have to finish the case. Where do we start, Ace?"

So today I'm driving home from dinner with my family and we all talking and chatting and I look out the window because my parents are just looking at the sky because we can see rain in the distance, and they thought that was cool. So were sitting there looking im on the phone with my uncle and he's talking about movies he has seen and whats going on where he lives. I turn to look out the window and I see a cool figure in they cloud and I say, "oh cool guys, look at this cloud its so cool" now they are thinking its just the sunset so they say " yeah we know its cool you can see rain and the  clouds are cool your like a conversation behind." and I tell them "no guys look it looks like a soldier kneeling at tomb stone" and it did it had a helmet, a back pack, and everything and there was a tombstone shape also.

 now my family after a little while actually look at the cloud and see it. So to capture this once in a life time event we want to take a picture. so we pull over and attempt to take a picture. now it took my mom and I forever to get out cameras up to take it and by that time it had morphed and changed. but it had only changed the soldier enough to look like he was holding up a gun and defending the tombstone.

this I though was so heart wrenching that I just had to make a story on it. So here goes.

a soldier stands in battle side by side with his men. he eats with them, he sleeps next to them, he feels there pain, he fights with them. they all become the best of friends. they fight to defend there country from all evil. they are they force that keeps us safe. now on this day, on Memorial Day we remember those who have paid the ultimate price for our country. those who have died defending what is right. on this day Memorial Day, we remember those who have died for us.

Now most people don't know this but Memorial day was started by slaves during the civil war. What they did was they took there bodies of the Union soldiers that had died on the battle field and gave them graves with wooden crosses for tombstones. The government realized this and decided to create a day around these acts of kindness and they told these slaves " you know what you just did for these soldiers, you memorialized them." from then on we have celebrated Memorial day to give light to those acts of kindness.

Now on Memorial day we have picnics and cook outs and maybe just a family gathering. But what most people don't do on memorial day is go to a grave site. the only people who do that is people who have loved ones who have died in service. the only people who do that  are people who care about the fact that these soldiers have given the ultimate sacrifice for out country. now on this day we need to remember those who have died in service, because if we don't than who will.

to give you a story I will start with a boy. A boy and his father. this boy was like any other boy at his school. he played with the other kids, he eats like every other kid, he talks well and he has good grades. But the only difference was his dad was a soldier. Go to see his dad every once in a while when he was on leave but not as much as the other kids who talked to there dad daily. yeah its not  the dad he would have chosen but he got him and he loves him all the more. but sometimes when his daddy came home it wouldn't be like the last time. Sure he would get his welcome home party and everything like that but this time it was the 4th of July and there was fireworks and things like that. they little boy wanted to sit is his daddies lap and watch them with him and he did, but daddy Sat there only for a little bit. when the fireworks started he was fine but as they got louder and louder the blasts and flashes of light where more then just fire works to him they where gun shots and bombs going off. daddy ran off to hide from the fireworks. the little boy was sad that dad had left but he under stood that yes daddy left for a little bit but when daddy gets better he will come back. the little boy had gotten used to daddy running off and screaming. he knew daddy was not okay but he also knew that if he tried to help it would only make it worse. the little boy knows how daddy can be when he first gets back.
When daddy left again it was back to normal. but this time it wasn't just a few months till he saw his dad again its 3 years and the boy is not in middle school. when dad came back this time he was older and he knew what happened when dad ran off screaming and he knew what not to do to have that happen. he greeted his dad when he go home like any boy would if he hadn't seen his dad is over 3 years. And when they got home they had a meal already for him and everything. they knew no surprises, no fireworks, no loud noises, Because if they had any of those they would set off dad. but little did they know dad was easier to set off this time. He woke up in the middle of the night screaming and sweating from the night terrors. And jus something as little as a crashing dish could get his in defensive mode. now this time that they had with him were short and scary most of the time but it was time with dad. this boy looked up to his dad. he knew that one day he wanted to be him. now when dad went away this time they thought it was going to be the last time. but there goes 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 6 years, 10 years went past and they heard nothing. finally they get a nock on the door by a man in uniform. He says " your husbands been a prisoner of war for 5 years. we have sent in recue troops but they were unsuccessful, we have tried everything we can to bring him home. we are deeply sorry but he has be declared a Prisoner of War and can not be retrieved." the man is uniform explains that there is nothing they can do for him. but they will provide the with everything they will need for a service is they wanted one. and anything they need for college and things like that. the boy now being and adult and being fully in enraged by this news drives to the enrollment office and enlists in the army to find his father.
he goes through mission after mission. year after year. to find his father 2 years go by and nothing but finally he gets sent to the place where his father was imprisoned, on a rescue mission for on of his men. they successfully infiltrated the site and taken capture of the soldiers holding them there, and his men find all the soldiers that had been imprisoned there. he found a man who had told him that his father lasted for 12 years and said that his boy is coming for him. this soldier showed his to the place where they had placed the body. His body was berried by the soldiers that had had been imprisoned with they had put a rock there as a tomb stone with his name on it. the boy stood by this fathers grave fell to his knees and wept. If he had only gotten there a little earlier than maybe he could have saved his father. when the soldier looked up he saw something move behind a building. when it peeked out again he realized it was one of the prison guards pointing a gun at him. the boy rose his gun and rose on to one knee, pointed, aimed, and fired. He had killed this man defending his fathers grave. 
the boy returns home with his fathers body in a wooden box covered in an American flag.to finally lay to rest his father.

so today I'm going to write a letter to people. People who are customers at any store like Walmart or Menards or even Kroger's. To really anyone who goes to a store at all. Here goes...

People,
                  When you come in a store for anything and think its funny to piss on the people giving you service. You are an asshole. To the person who walks in to the store with a return and who we are being very nice with who is getting angry because we CAN'T do what you want us to because that would be ILLEGAL. To the person who thinks it is fucking hilarious when we get sent home crying because your wise ass decided to  fucking break 56 BLOCKS and yell at us for a discount and when we can't give you one you get angry.

                  To the person who comes in to a McDonalds and they just miss one thing and you come in wanting a refund for you entire meal that you got 3 weeks ago. and then gets angry because we cant give you a refund because you ordered it 3 WEEKS AGO. To the person who ordered some metal sheets and sent them back because they weren't in perfect condition because newsflash none of them are and there aren't going to be perfect any where else and after you put them on the ground your just going to cover them in much anyways. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!!

                  YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!!! AND THINKING YOU CAN GET FREE SHIT BECAUSE NEWSFLASH... WE WILL NOT DO IT... AND CAN NOT DO IT...  sometimes I feel like people just give me the shit that they accumulate throughout the day and they may feel better after they leave but we feel like we are getting pissed on by everyone and I tell you sometimes it actually makes us cry. And yes I know you may have to use the restroom or yes you may have to through something away but we are closed there is a restaurant right next door that is open 24 hours. GO THERE... I give you service but I don't serve you. remember I can over charge you and I can also spit on your food, and I can take forever to finish your order. so don't mess with the hand that feeds you.

                                                                                         thank you, the service industry

new writiing string

so I figured out something to do with my blog and I have decided to start a string of letters. Letters to various people. Like people at impacted my life in some ways or just some people in general. I'm going to start by writing a letter to God. Now I am by no means a religious person and this is in no way me trying to project my views onto the other people. Its just something got me thinking if god truly exists and if he walked up to a random person that life has wronged them in some sort of way and god walked up to them and asked them a question. like for instance if god walked up to lets say a cashier at a super market and asked them "if you could change one thing about anything what would it be?" ill tell you what brought this on.

I wasn't supposed to work today but I'm glad I did. I came into work to do some training for my job and they tell me to get on a register. So me being the lovely person that I am figured what harm could it do ill just be here for like an hour. I go on my register and I want to say maybe an 45 minutes in a old man comes up with some mulch and some other things. I scan his items through and I finish his transaction and he looks to me and eyes my name tag. He asks "so are there many people in your class with your name?" I say " well yeah there are maybe 3 or 4 in my class with the same name but not the same spelling" he nodded and continues on out the door as I tell him to have a nice day. Later he comes back in with his cart to put it away and he walks up to me and says "you know you are a very smart girl. Really and very nice. I got a question for you" I say " okay what cha got for me" he replies with a question "So if you could fix anything and make it perfect what would it be?" I think about it for a second and reply with " poverty." he nodded and said " I can tell you are a forward thinker anything else you want to fix?" I said " Yes. social injustice." now he starts saying "you know we pray for all the world in gods prayer and so..." than he starts spewing out the lords prayer and I start to toon out because at this point in my head I'm saying oh god its one of those Jesus freaks here to tell me God can fix everything. I started to look at an other guest to show to him I have to work so he ended with lords prayer and said " and god be with you" and I replied with "and also with you" with the good pastors daughter I am, and than continued with another guest. but this got me thinking what if god were one of us.

what if god was someone you could just talk to just like you and me. this got me thinking about if god what going to ask one random person if they could fix anything who would he choose? Would he choose a billionaire with all the money in the world? Would he choose a homeless person with out a penny to his name? Would he choose a teenager with a baby that she can afford? would he choose a orphan adopted by gays? Or would he choose a cancer patient? Or a christen? Or would he choose an atheist?

If god chose to talk too you what would you say... would you know it was him? Would you think he was a crazy guy talking to you? I don't know but if god was just a stranger walking around and he asked random people what they would fix about the world and than he fixed it. what would happen.

I thought about that today when that old guy started talking to me. What if that old guy that was talking to me was God... and he just asked me to fix something in the world... first if that was really "God" than my views on religion are all wrong, and second of all if that was god he asked me to fix something about the world. If it was will he fix it? will he change the world to eradicate poverty and get rid of social injustice? if so that would be cool so now I'm going to try something. I'm going to write a letter to god. and to other people just to the world knows what I think about people.

Right now being a Pastors daughter my views on god are a little weird. I believe that if god truly existed why would he let all this hate be in this world. I like to say I don't believe in a deity. That I don't believe in one thing controlling the actions of the many. I think in my head most of the time that the bible is just an old book that some one read and people actually believed it was real. I read a story once on tublr about how the world is one person and one person is the world. By this I mean that the world is made up of reincarnations of one person and that everyone was once that person. and that once the world is done that being that all of us is or was becomes one almighty. and the great god that we believe in we will become.

that I thought was a neat interpretation of god. and to bring every religion in to it making it so that not one religion was right or wrong. but to make it so that all religions were one in the same and that every single person that ever was, is, or will be are all the same person. so those people that you just made fun of for being gay or for being something society thinks is wrong. is you. you are making fun of you.